Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Local News

Princess Celestia Declares Ivermectin Shortage in the Pony Realm

CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA --  In an early morning press release issued today, Head of State Princess Celestia congratulated Big Bird on their recent vaccination. "We celebrate Big Birds decision to receive the newly approved Pfizer vaccine and hope all mythical creatures...

Irony: He Took Preventative Ivermectin. COVID Kept Him From a Hospital Bed After a Heart Attack.

BUBONIC FALLS, IDAHO -- 56-year-old Peter Peterson is in dire trouble, and it appears that he could be living his last moments on Earth, despite "taking every MAGA-approved precaution" he could think of. "In the last couple of weeks, I...

Texas Man’s Jizz Sock Reports Him to Abortion Tip Line

CARGA DE BOLAS, TEAXS --When Gov. Greg Abbott signed Texas' new draconian abortion restriction into law last week, it's not very likely that he could have foreseen a case like this one. "Look, did I wanna report Chuck? Of course...

Man Wants Statue ‘Dedicated to Another Traitor Who Lost’ After Robert E. Lee’s Removal

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA -- After 131 years, a monument to General Robert E. Lee, who led forces against the United States during the Civil War, has been removed from the former confederate capitol. Lee's former plantation, in Arlington, was claimed...

Palm Beach Burger King Cook ‘Wouldn’t Bet’ on Trump Winning in 2024

PALM BEACH, FLORIDUH -- Juan Miguel Vincente, 32, has been working at the Burger King franchise just down the street from his home for the past three years. He says he'll never forget the first time he met a...

Gov. Signs Law Forcing FBI to Give Every Missourian a Semiautomatic Rifle

JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI -- Governor Mike Parson (Q) just signed a bill into law that requires the Federal Bureau of Investigations to offer a free semiautomatic rifle to every resident of the Show Me State. The FBI has been...

Man Says He Would Not Have Pissed on McConnell Had He ‘Known Mitch Was On Fire’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, both Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) is, according to medical professionals on site "stable and doing as well as can be expected" after spontaneously combusting. Reports are that, Darrell Dikchest,...

Man Finds Ted Cruz Drowning and Throws Him a Cement Life Preserver

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While it's not clear at this time exactly why Senator Ted Cruz went for a swim in the Potomac river last night, the Texas Republican was spotted having trouble keeping up with the river's current. "Are you...

Obama Sends Trump Pop-Up Book Version of His Memoir

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama's highly anticipated first presidential memoir, "A Promised Land," was released this week to largely quite positive reviews. According to the book's publishers, it contains a self-chronicling of Obama's life through his first of...

Mother Checks Purse for Drugs Before Taking Her Kids Trick or Treating

STINK NUT FALLS, IDAHO -- 35 year old Shelly Skalski is just about to take her three kids out trick or treating in the local town square. It's a tradition in her sleepy Idaho berg that if Halloween falls...
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Latest News

Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...
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