Sunday, January 16, 2022

News

Man Sitting on Whoopie Cushion Briefly Worries Boebert’s Staff That Her Skull Had Popped

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Aides and staffers rushed to her side, and ultimately it was determined that she was in no immediate danger. However, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) was indeed given quite a scare this morning. "At approximately 10am this morning,...

Princess Celestia Declares Ivermectin Shortage in the Pony Realm

CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA --  In an early morning press release issued today, Head of State Princess Celestia congratulated Big Bird on their recent vaccination. "We celebrate Big Birds decision to receive the newly approved Pfizer vaccine and hope all mythical creatures...

Trump Jr. Not Invited to Thanksgiving With President or Man Who Thinks He’s Still President

LAKE MORON, FLORIDA -- Donald Trump Jr. will not be having Thanksgiving dinner with either the current president, or the man who believes he is still president, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation. It would have been...

Sinema Worries Her Party Might Try to Pass Its Agenda in Response to Youngkin Victory

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A distraught Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D?-AZ) told reporters as she arrived for work today that she is "extremely worried and afraid" in the wake of a disastrous night in Virginia for her party. Republican Glenn Youngkin managed...

Boebert Thought Planning Trump’s Insurrection Just Meant ‘Giving Boners to Some Dirty MAGAs’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Responding to a new bombshell report in Rolling Stone that indicates she participated in a plot to overturn last year's election, freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) tried to bat away, deflect, and downplay the implications of the article. "Yeah,...

Op-Ed: “My Genitals Are Microscopic and It’s All George Soros’ Fault!”

The following editorial was submitted by the office of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL). The views and opinions expressed herein are of that of Rep. Gaetz, the QAnon Cult, a certain twice-impeached reality-TV dipshit, and maybe Steve Bannon if Matt's...

White House Wants Sinema to Tell Them How Much Attention She Needs to Act Like a Democrat

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If President Joe Biden wants his bold new progressive agenda to pass through Congress, all he needs is for every single one of his fellow Democrats in that separate but equal branch of government to be...

Hannity Demands Full Audit of 1860 Presidential Election

Fox News host Sean Hannity told his radio audience today that he believes all fifty states in America should be conducting "rigorous, exhaustive audits" of the 2020 election. He also said "true patriots" won't stop there, though. They'll also...

Biden Tells Engineers They Can Reinstall White House Ramps and Stairs Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden has authorized White House engineers to reinstall ramps and stairways that the previous occupant was, according to documents published today, "too much of a chickenshit coward" to ascend or descend. "As you know, when...

Cruz Suggests Haitian Refugees at Border Should ‘Check Out Cancun Instead’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A recent surge in Haitian refugees on the U.S. border with Mexico has elicited sharp, persistent criticism from elected Republicans, and this morning Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Texas) once again dipped his cloven hoofed toe into that...
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Latest News

23andMe Finds DNA Link Between Jim Crow and Kyrsten Sinema

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A new bombshell report from genetic testing company 23andMe indicates that a sitting, Democratic...
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