Thursday, June 8, 2023

Local Feline Entering Rehab After Catnip Fueled $4000 Amazon Shopping Spree

WHISKERS FLATS, IDAHO — An eight year old house cat in the United States recently entered a drug rehab treatment facility after it admitted to its human companion that it stole their credit card and spent over $4,000 on various items from Amazon. Sir Meows-A-Lot ScratchingPost McGee, or just ” Meows” as he’s known for short, told us in a Skype interview from the rehabilitation center that he’s in “relatively good spirits” just a few days into his treatment for acute catnip addiction.

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“I never would’ve bought all those laser pointers if I hadn’t been so high at the time,” Meows told us. “I guess I’ve always had a thing for catnip, and honestly since I was two I’ve known that I have a hard time keeping it in moderation. So this rehab stint is probably a long time coming. I just wish I had hit rock bottom before betraying Kim’s trust like that.”

Kim McGee, Meows’ longtime human companion, told us that she still “very much so loves” him, and that she knows once he completes his rehab he’ll be a “completely new cat” in some respects. Kim even blames herself, to some degree, for the catnip fueled Amazon shopping spree. It was Kim that gave Meows his first and subsequent tastes of catnip, she said. In fact, Kim told us, she herself has had similar experiences shopping on Amazon.

“It’s not like I haven’t had a couple too many extra glasses of chardonnay and bought a hundred dollars in rice cakes and jeggings before myself,” Kim told us. “What made us realize that Meows needed professional help was that he broke into the catnip and stole my credit card. On the same night. When you start sneaking around behind your loved ones’ backs and hurting them while you’re self-destructive, it’s time to seek help from a professional.”

This is also not the first time Meows’ addiction to catnip has caused some drama in the house, he and Kim told us.

“A couple of years ago, I ate way, way too much catnip and was pretty damn high. All I remember is asking Kim to borrow her ATM card so I could go down to the liquor store on the corner and get us some beer,” Meows told us, “and the next thing I know, I woke up in a drunk tank two towns over, and apparently had emptied out Karen’s checking account so I could buy a hooker’s services. I really thought that was the low point of my life. Kim was so upset.”

Kim agreed, she was quite upset when Meows broke her trust that night.

“Ultimately I decided to forgive him for a couple reasons, really,” Kim said.  “For starters, he’s my cat. You love your cat through thick and thin, no matter how much they annoy you from time to time. He’s a part of the family, and always will be. I may have disowned my brother for liking a different football team than I do, but I would never shun my kitty. Also, I mean, I gave him my ATM card. I wanted the beer as much as he did, so I had to shoulder my own responsibility in that mess.”

Much of what Meows purchased has already been sent back to Amazon, Kim said. She decided to keep the new litter box, a couple of vinyl records of Cat Stevens, and the personal massager he bought, though. Meows is scheduled for a 60 day course of treatment. Kim has already emptied the house of any catnip, and checked everywhere for places Meows could have hidden some. She’s also purchased a safe and says she’ll be keeping her credit cards in there every night from now on.

“Why tempt fate? Why tempt a cat you love very much,” Kim asked. “We all had lessons to learn from this ordeal, and we all came away with steps we had to take to make our lives better. It’s not that I don’t trust Meows anymore; I just think the safe is a good idea to keep him from even being tempted to repeat his mistakes again.”

Meows ended the interview by telling us he was going to go take part in some exercise therapy.

“I’m gonna go knock shit off a table for a couple hours,” Meows told us. “It really helps take my mind off my cravings, and it’s a good workout for my legs and paws. A real win-win situation, for sure.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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