ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging those who chronically masturbate to “immediately consider” replacing their normal “jack lube” with “an antimicrobial or hand sanitizer” until the COVID-19 outbreak has been contained in the United States. Citing a need for “everyone to do their own parts, even when they play with their own parts,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the CDC told reporters it’s “vital” for those who compulsively or habitually “beat their meat, slap their salami, or tickle their pickle” to change out their regular lube for one that can clean and disinfect surface areas.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we at the CDC understand that we’ve asked you to pretty royally change things up in your day to day lives, and we wanted to first thank you for heeding all our guidance and advisories to this date,” Hornaydieux said in his introduction. “That being said, we come to you this morning to brief you all on a new front in our ongoing battle against COVID-19. As you are all aware, this virus can live on surfaces for quite some time, so it’s vitally important we identify all surfaces we can clean, and keep them that way. As of this moment, that includes your genitals.”
In order to keep the surface area of your genitals clean, the CDC is now recommending that you use some kind of disinfecting substance as your masturbatory lube. Whether that’s hand sanitizer or good old fashioned soap is up to the individual, Hornaydieux said. However, there are some risks that come with either option.
“It’s really important you make sure not to get the hand sanitizer in your peepee hole, though. That could sting awfully bad,” Hornaydieux cautioned. “You also want to make sure that you not use any abrasives; just disinfectants. You want to kill the germs, not scrape the skin off your wang or lady-wang, folks.”
Since the start of the global pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, the CDC and the World Health Organization have scrambled to respond, and to provide people with practical guidance for avoiding infection. Last week, the WHO even went so far as to give guidance to those who participate in, or create, human centipedes, begging everyone to keep them to seven or fewer humans long.
“Right, so really in theory human centipedes should be probably put on hold at least until the international community gets a real handle on COVID-19,” Dr. Gretel Hutson, WHO’s Junior Media Contact, told reporters in Geneva today. “However, if you simply cannot cancel or postpone the creation of your human centipede, for the sake of containing the coronavirus outbreak, we must strongly urge you to not let your human centipede grow larger than seven people. There should be no more than seven mouths and anuses interconnected, if you must connect anuses and mouths at all.” (NRN)
Last week, the CDC suggested that couples engaging in sexual intercourse while self-quarantining consider using “just the tip.”
“Condoms are great, don’t get us wrong,” Dr. Wunderlandt admitted, “but condoms can fail. By just putting the tip in, you are minimizing your risk of exposure as much as possible. Of course, it’s probably wiser and safer to only do across the room masturbation, where you stay at least six feet away from your partner, but if you just can’t resist the urge to be within inches of each other’s personal space, then we implore you to consider using just the tip.” (The Pastiche Post)
The CDC also had advice for people not engaging in sexual intercourse with a partner during the outbreak: wash your hands for at least as long as you masturbate.
“And when you do wash your hands after manipulating your own genitals, remember to take enough time as it takes to thoroughly clean and disinfect your hands,” the CDC guidance suggests. “Perhaps replaying the adult film clip you used as your masturbatory aid, and washing your hands for exactly as far into the clip as it took you to finish, should be your guidepost for how long to wash your hands for. Don’t finish washing before you finished coming, is one good rule of thumb. While we’re talking about it, thumbs inserted in rectums during masturbation should also be thoroughly washed and sanitized after you finish up as well.” (Satirical Facts)
The United States became the global leader in confirmed COVID-19 infections late this week. Experts project the country could need another few weeks of quarantine, at a minimum, to suppress the wave of infections enough to buy time for a vaccine to be developed. The CDC and WHO have committed to issuing guidelines, tips, and advice for navigating through these times.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.