ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control have issued brand new, updated guidance they say is meant to “shed light on safe and healthy” ways to stand in a circle and masturbate with or on several other people, known more commonly as a “circle jerk.”
“Look, COVID-19 isn’t going to magically disappear, and until we have good therapeutics or a vaccine, we’re all going to have to make some changes,” Dr. Bunson Hornaydieux of the CDC told reporters today. “So we have put together just a really quick and easy primer on how you and the people you like to spank it with can still participate in that activity, but with much lower risk of infection.”
In general, the CDC discourages people from partaking in circle jerks during the COVID-19 pandemic. However, Dr. Hornaydieux explained that after observing millions of Americans not even being willing to wear a face mask in public to help contain the spread, that they should look at revising their guidelines on the assumption that “large swaths of the American people are dumb as fuck and intend to stay that way literally until it costs them or their loved ones their life.”
“Basically, our guidelines are pretty simple on this one. Don’t do it,” Hornaydieux said. “But if you’re going to, and Jesus Christ Lord God Almighty Above knows we cannot stop you, then you should still space yourselves six feet apart, wear PPE like face masks and eye shields — both of which should probably be used in a circle jerk at any rate — and wash your hands thoroughly before and after you pull your pud, or anybody else’s pud.”
Because it might be “understandably difficult” to circle jerk and be six feet apart, Dr. Hornaydieux said people may want to consider buying some tools to help them extend their reach and grip while still being physically distanced from the rest of the masturbatory menagerie.
“If you can a hold of one of those robot hand thingies, that could work,” Hornaydieux said. “You know, one of those dealies where you squeeze the handle and it closes a robotic hand at the end of the stick? Or maybe just duct taping a pudding-filled glove to the end of a broomstick would work? It’s your kink, so it’s your call.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.