Wednesday, December 8, 2021

CDC Urges Americans Not to Take Advice From Self-Certified Eye Doctors With Punchable Faces

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for disease control is warning Americans this morning to not take any vaccine advice from “skunk-haired, anti-vaxxer morons” who also happen to be self-certified eye doctors.

“Idiots, morons, and fuckfaces come in all stripes, with or without medical degrees,” CDC Lead Media Contact Kimberly Bojaque told reporters today, “and it is absolutely vital that the public not take advice on vaccinations from self-certified eye doctors who wouldn’t be anything in life without their notoriously racist, career politician fathers.”


Bojaque further warned the public that if the aforementioned self-certified eye doctors also have “an extremely punchable face,” they should even more leery of taking his advice.

“Yes, he or she might have a medical degree. But where did they get board certified? Did they have to create their own board in order to get certified,” Bojaque continued. “More importantly, how punch-worthy is their face? Is it super-duper punchable? If so, avoid that MF like the plague, fam.”

It would appear that at least some people have taken the CDC’s guidance to heart. Last night, YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul (Q-KY) and deleted a ranting video in which he railed against mask and vaccine mandates. Paul is the second high-profile pro-MAGA Republican to be suspended from a social media site in recent days. Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene was put on a seven day suspension from Twitter for similar anti-vaccine and mask posts.

“Quite frankly,” Bojaque concluded, “I’m a big believer in free speech, so I don’t think people should be jailed when they speak out of their ass on vaccines. The American people just need to be well-aware of how insane these self-certified eye doctors are to give advice about infectious diseases to people that includes not protecting themselves with the best tools medical science to offer — vaccines.”



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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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