Thursday, June 8, 2023

CDC: Maybe Your Ten Year Old Needs to Get COVID and Stop Being a Pussy

When and how to safely re-open schools that have been closed or had their student populations greatly reduced during the COVID-19 pandemic has always been a hotly debated topic. Throughout the past year and a half, millions of Americans have depended on the Centers for Disease Control to help guide the conversation. CDC guidance has been central to the decisions federal, state, and local authorities rely on to craft public policy in response to the pandemic.

For much of the duration of the outbreak, the CDC has recommended that children only return to schools when all the proper precautions to protect both students and faculty could be taken. There has been quite a bit of pressure to rush kids back to school, as part of the reason the American economy is still struggling to get people back to work is that many are still needing to stay home with their kids.

Last week, the CDC quite surprisingly announced that all children should return to school in the fall. Currently, the FDA has not approved any of the available COVID-19 vaccinations for use on children under the age of 12, and the majority of children in school are in elementary schools, where the majority of he students are under 12 as well. The CDC suggested that masking could even be optional, only for those kids who have been vaccinated. The CDC did not, however, offer any guidance to schools for how to determine who is vaccinated, and several red states have already enacted laws prohibiting masking requirements.

Today, CDC Deputy Media Director Kimberly Mikber told reporters that the decision to update the guidance last week “wasn’t an easy one,” but that ultimately the higher-ups agreed it was “time for kids to just get sick and tough it out.”

“Like, quit being little bitches and go get COVID. Who cares? Maybe you get a little sick,” Mikber said, “and maybe you get a long-haul case that doesn’t kill you, but saddles you with problems for the rest of your life. What’s sixty plus years of misery compared to your mommy not going back to ask people if they want fries with their meals?”

Ms. Mikber said there is a “real danger of kids becoming giant pussies” if they are kept out of school until they are vaccinated.

“Will they be safe from COVID-19 if you wait for them to be vaccinated before sending them back? Sure. But at what cost,” Mikber asked rhetorically. “All we at the CDC are saying is that it’s time for your ten year old and get a little COVID, because it’s better than them being a pussy, you see.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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