HOTLANTA, GEORGIA — Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a new study that they are hoping “settles and puts to rest some of the lingering questions” Americans might have about wearing facial coverings out in public. Most medical professionals have been strongly urging citizens to put on a cloth covering of some kind over their faces while they’re out of the home during the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. However, the issue has become quite polarized and politicized, and many have come to view whether they wear a mask or not to be a political statement.
“We decided that what the world needed the most wasn’t a study on whether or not wearing a mask can stop the spread of a disease,” Dr. Sal Saltzberg told reporters today while announcing the results of the study. “If masks didn’t prevent diseases from spreading, surgeons, nurses, and dentists wouldn’t use them. So my team and I focused on studying some of the lesser-known effects of wearing a mask.”
Over the course of four weeks, Dr. Saltzberg and his staff “did rigorous, peer-reviewed” data analysis that revealed, perhaps, some surprising benefits of wearing a mask.
“What we found is pretty startling in that it’s crystal clear,” Dr. Saltzberg explained. “It’s actually quite rare for the numbers to work out quite so much like this. We determined that a cloth mask over your face won’t keep you or someone you love safe during a nuclear strike. However, there are several things that masks can not only help to stop spreading, they completely eliminate even the risk of exposure.”
For instance, Dr. Saltzberg announced, keeping a mask on your face in public will “keep 100% of the people around you from thinking you’re an immature little bitch baby.”
“This data is, truly, quite remarkable,” Dr. Saltzberg boasted. “We have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we could conceivably eliminate a virulent strain of douchebaggery that has plagued our species, probably from the first time we exited the primordial soup!”
Biologists have understood for generations that general douchebaggery, or douchey-ness as it’s sometimes referred to, is inherent to all humans. In some form or another, all human beings exhibit at least one trait or behavior that’s distinctly of a douche derivation. Saltzberg and his team, however, believe they may have stumbled onto a way to at the very least blunt the spread of one particular strain of douchebaggery.
“Selfish douchebaggery may not ever be cured, per se,” Dr. Saltzberg indicated, “but what happens if we all wear masks for a little while, in order to help keep one another from possibly infecting ourselves? Well, our studies would seem to show that would completely stop selfish douchebaggery from spreading to any new patients. Existing douchebags could then be confined to their natural habitat, such as on the San Francisco Giants’ roster.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.