ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Fox White Supremacist News host Tucker Carlson doesn’t want Americans wearing masks anymore, and he’s even gone so far as to suggest that people should call child protective services if they see a kid wearing a mask. For months, Carlson has railed against masks, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and essentially every guideline issued by health professionals as nothing more than performative theater, or even subversive methods by which to cow and control the populace.
Regardless of how Mr. Carlson feels about masking, the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance today that he may want to address in a future broadcast.
“The CDC highly recommends that anybody who happens to come into contact with Tucker Carlson protect themselves and everyone else around them,” the new guidance suggests, “and cover his face with your closed fists. It doesn’t matter if it’s the left or right fist, but for maximum efficacy, you should use your dominant hand.”
The CDC says that while covering Carlson’s face in fists won’t cure any diseases, it will “make everyone around Tucker Carlson feel much, much better.”
“Consider it a sort of violent placebo effect,” the CDC says. “Absolutely no infectious diseases will be cured, and in fact covering Tucker’s face with your fists might even cause him injury. What we’re saying is that if watching Indiana Jones punch Nazis gives you a thrill, covering Carlson’s face in fists will approximate that feeling for you.”
Though he was voted as having the Most Punchable, Smug Fuckface by Douchebags Weekly for six of the last seven years, the CDC says covering Carlson’s face in fists is not in any way related.
“Our data is quite clear, and not related to the fact that Mr. Carlson continuously wins awards for having the face most people would most love to cover in fists,” the guidance assures the public. “Rest assured, we controlled for humanity’s inherent bias against diarrhea golems, and the end results are quite conclusive, regarding the covering of Tucker Carlson’s face with your fists.”
Tucker Carlson could not be reached for comment, as he was waiting for the cross he lit to die down so he could wrap up the klan rally he was hosting.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.