Postponed Coachella Will Now Offer $1200 Boutique Coronavirus Testing Tent

CALIFORNIA — This week, under mounting pressure from a potential pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, the organizers of the Coachella music and arts festival postponed the event, moving the dates from April to October. It came during a week that also saw Major League Baseball and the NBA postpone games. Disneyland and its California Adventures park is also closing for the first time since the 9/11 attacks nearly 20 years ago. 

But the Coachella festival was only postponed, it wasn’t canceled. Even though promoters believe the coronavirus threat will have long since subsided by October, they announced a special promotional deal today for anyone who purchases a brand new ticket package, though the services included in that package will also be available a la carte during Coachella, on both weekends. For $15,000 a ticket, festival goers will receive a slew of special prizes, giveaways, and they’ll be granted access to a brand new feature at Coachella.

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“We are very pleased to announce a new corporate sponsorship, which will allow us to offer a special, Ultra-Super-VIP ticket package which will include a free coronavirus test to those who take advantage of this new offer,” Coachella’s liaison, Kim Sebastapol said during a conference call with show producers and various media outlets this morning. “For fans who choose not to buy this new exclusive package, they can still have the tests done in our testing tent for a very affordable $1200 price.”

The new special VIP ticket package will also allow guests who test positive for coronavirus to meet, greet, and infect a band of their choosing.

“It’ll be a very special experience to cough right in the faces of the guys from Rage Against the Machine,” Sebastapol supposed, “or to wipe your snot and boogers all over Lana Del Rey’s microphone. Who among us hasn’t wanted to give Thom Yorke an infectious disease, much as he gave us one with his band Radiohead?”

Sebastapol warned that space in the coronavirus testing tent will be limited, so fans should consider purchasing their VIP or a la carte testing services sooner, rather than later.

“While we are quite sure the coronavirus outbreak will be a distant, fading memory by the time you show up Coachella in a few months,” Sebastapol said, “we think you’ll still want to make sure your spot in the testing tent is secured! We strongly urge you all to get your tickets, and get them fast!”

Ms. Sebastapol said the production team behind Coachella wants to make the concert weekend “as disease-free” as possible.

“If you catch something at Coachella, we hope it’s a mild case of rock ‘n’ roll pneumonia, or boogie-woogie flu,” Sebastapol hoped. “Or at the very worst, some sexually transmitted disease from the orgy tent, which is sponsored by KY this year, and available only to those who pay for the Orgy Tent VIP experience.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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