Thursday, March 30, 2023

Congressional Republicans Blast Biden Over Political Props Stranded in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether it’s Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun), freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), or any of a number of Congressional Republicans, one thing has become rapidly and abundantly clear — the GOP cares about what happens in Afghanistan for the first time in nearly 20 years. Which is why so many of them have been doing interviews criticizing the Biden administration for how it handled a drawdown of U.S. forces in the country — a deal signed and committed to by the previous, Republican administration.

In particular, elected Republicans are harping on what Cruz called “the biggest failure in American history, outside my inability to see just how ugly my wife Heidi was, prior to drugging and convincing her to marry me.”


“Biden just up and left, and he had the temerity to get over 100,000 human beings to safety. He had the audacity to save all those lives,” Cruz told Fox News this morning, “but yet, what about the political footballs he left behind? The stragglers? The ones that literally could not and would not be convinced to leave? Why did he not personally fly them out on Air Force One? These are the questions I have, Maria.”

Greene appeared on Steve Bannon’s podcast and announced that she was “adding more charges” to the Articles of Impeachment she’ll file against Biden just as soon as she gets back onto a committee that would allow her to do so.

“Obviously Biden doesn’t care about any of these people whose names we don’t know, faces we wouldn’t recognize, and whose skin color, frankly, would make us skeptical about letting them vote, even though they’re American citizens, or whatever it’s called,” Greene told Bannon. “How can Biden be so cruel to people I only care about because it scores points with people who agree with me politically, and whom otherwise I literally wouldn’t care if they died in a fire?”

At her own press conference, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) mustered her most erudite and intellectual takedown of Biden to date.

“Me not likey! ME VERY MAD! BIDEN VERY BAD AT PULL OUT,” Boebert said before farting into the microphone, pointing her finger at the press, and running off into the horizon.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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