WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Tom Thompaulsen, being interviewed on ABC radio this morning, told the American public that in his mind, whistleblowing is “tattling” and tattling on a president’s unconstitutional behavior should be deemed unconstitutional instead.
“How many of us were told by our parents not to tattle? All of us, prolly,” Thompaulsen told the radio host this morning. “So, if you ask me, tattling is one of the least mature things you can do. It’s like we always say about terrorism, ‘If you see something, make sure it’s being done by your political rival first, then say something.’ Same rules apply here, obviously.”
Rep. Thompaulsen argues that, given President Trump’s “crazy big ego” and tendency to act impulsively, it could be “dangerous” for the American people to hold him accountable, or “tell him the truth about himself.” Thompaulsen said he believes “every president has a right” to do whatever they want, unless they’re “either black, a Democrat, or a black Democrat.” He warns that forcing Trump to face the consequences of his lawless disregard for the Constitution could “set off an avalanche of responsibility in the executive branch.”
“Does anyone know how dangerous it is for the republic if we all know how lawless, arrogant, and corrupt he is on top of how inept, stupid, and fart smelling he is? This man might wake up and nuke California because his feelings have been hurt so badly,” Thompaulsen suggested. “Sure, I worry that we’re falling into a state of authoritarian control, forced to live by the dictates of a reality-TV conman, too, but I’m far more worried about whether or not his rabid base will shoot me if I start going around being intellectually honest and stuff, to be totally honest.”
Mr. Thompaulsen said that part of the problem is that the United States has “so many laws” and that the number of laws make it “almost impossible” for Trump to not break “at least a handful, every single day, flagrantly.”
“It’s not Donald Trump’s fault we have so many laws on our books! Take some off, and he breaks way fewer laws,” Thompaulsen reasoned. “It’s like banging your head into a really stupid, racist, orange, wall of diarrhea and Breitbart headlines, over and over again, but expecting different results. If we want this president to not break laws, we might have to abolish a lot of laws, that’s all. No big whoop.”
Congressman Thompaulsen announced that he was working on legislation that would make it unconstitutional to “be a tattling little bitch” and inform the country about a president’s unconstitutional acts.
“Quite frankly, this legislation is needed to protect our dear president from the rampant, wonton accountability the Radial Left is trying to pin on our good, clean, white president,” Thompaulsen said. “Honestly, I’m starting to think anyone who blows the whistle on this president probably knows something about Benghazi, and we need to waterboard them to find out. But that’s a piece of legislation for another time.”
Thompaulsen was asked by the host if he thinks it’s “odd or hypocritical” for the president who ran on “law and order” to be so casually dismissive of laws on the books, and be so willing to break them. Rep. Thompaulsen dismissed the question out of hand.
“First of off, I just want to remind everyone that the word ‘accountability’ is never mentioned in the Constitution. So calls to hold him accountable are simply irrelevant, and they represent moat points. I have to pronounce ‘moot’ as ‘moat’ now under strict presidential orders,” Thompaulsen explained. “And also? We’re the law and order party, so that means we know the right order to break the laws.”
Thompaulsen also worries about the precedent that will be set if the country “gets too wrapped up in who is above or below the law.”
“Very honestly? That sounds like elitist bullcrap to me. Who cares who’s above or the below law,” Thompaulsen said. “We’re all equal, but Trump’s just, you know, a little more equaler and stuff. That’s all. So who cares who’s above or below the law. Just sit down, sit back, and shut up. That’s exactly what the founders did when the Brits were taxing us without representing us. We just sat back, and took it. Like good little subjects. That’s all we’re asking now, plebs.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.