Friday, March 31, 2023

Cop Shoots Suspected Unarmed Black Ice Cream Licker

BLANC PRIVILLÉGE CREEK, LOUISIANA — An unarmed African American female suspected of licking the contents of a gallon of ice cream without paying for it first has been rushed to an area hospital with gunshot wounds. The woman is believed to have been licking the ice cream as part of a prank, recorded on her phone to upload to social media later. Recently another woman made national news headlines when her similar prank went viral. 

“At approximately fifteen minutes past noon today, an officer was in the grocery store located on the 5400 block of West 5th Avenue when he witnessed what he believed to be a woman engaged in an unlawful act of ice cream licking,” Chingas County Sheriff Phillip Hawkings told the local press today. “When he noticed that the suspect was an urban type citizen, he became fearful for his life, as would any good, clean, all-American heroic cop, and he shot her after giving her at least half a second to comply with his order to either stop being black or drop the ice cream.”

There are scant details so far about the suspect outside of her ethnicity, which Hawkings says “should be sufficient to clear” the officer involved in the shooting.

“Look, cops aren’t trained to have an inherent racial bias; we just instinctively can tell by looking at people’s, you know, skin color, whether we should be more or less suspicious of them,” Hawkings said, “and the urbans? Well, they make us extra scared because of our totally not-racist premonitions about how most of them are probably going to commit a crime or something.”

The suspect will be charged with a misdemeanor offense for petty theft, since the ice cream she is alleged to have “stolen” is worth less than five dollars. Hawkings says that while some may question whether an officer should escalate an alleged theft of so little monetary value to the use of lethal force. Sheriff Hawkings dismisses those concerns.

“Maybe the Constitution doesn’t give us permission to be judge, jury, and executioner, but have you all seen Judge Dredd? It’s a kick ass film,” Hawkings said, “and I’m sorry, but it seems pretty damn efficient to get rid of the courts and just let us handle everything from soup to nuts. Besides, have we ever seen a case of a racist cop framing a person of color for a crime they didn’t commit? That seems like the stuff of crazy fiction, right? Right?!”

The suspected ice cream licker will likely make a full, but difficult recovery, doctors say. 

“Look, we all feel bad for that woman on some level, but no one is above the law except for thin-skinned white collar criminals who are pretending to be the president at the moment,” Hawkings insisted. “Sure, maybe we’ll find out at trial she wasn’t even licking the ice cream. Maybe our officer shot the wrong person. But don’t you think we should err on the side of shooting first and asking questions later, or does the rule of law mean nothing in this country any longer?”

Another Story: Historians Unearth George Washington’s Pilot License

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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