Thursday, March 30, 2023

Coronavirus Update: CDC Strongly Urges People to Stop Licking Each Other’s Nostrils

WASHINGTON, D.C — The Centers for Disease Control have issued a strong advisory warning against the practice of “nostril licking,” at least until after the threat from the novel coronavirus has subsided.

“We understand the impulse, don’t get us wrong, this isn’t coming from a place of moral judgment,” Dr. Cecile Montoya of the CDC told reporters gathered for a press conference this morning. “Who hasn’t found themselves home on a Wednesday night looking for something to do, and hoping it’ll involve at least some nostril licking? But, things have to change when you’re staring an outbreak in the face; it’s just simple hygienic common sense. Again, please don’t think the CDC has an official stance on nostril licking from any other standpoint than a medical and health-based one.”

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While the official numbers don’t quite indicate just how many Americans participate in ritualistic nostril licking, Montoya said “any amount of licking someone’s nostrils always carries risk.” But, during times of potential pandemic outbreaks of communicable diseases, those risks are “just too high to fathom,” she said. Every time someone licks a nostril, no matter how harmless it may seem, they’re opening themselves to even more of that same risk.

“I know it sounds crazy, because nostril licking is literally what this great nation of ours was founded on,” Montoya admitted. “From Patrick Henry’s famous ‘Give me nostril licking or give me death’ speech, to FDR’s New Nostril Licking Deal, it’s been over 240 years of people licking each other’s nose holes, and the CDC understands it’s asking a lot of people to curb that particular behavior, but in the interest of the public health, we simply must.”

If going on a nostril licking hiatus is too much to bear for you, the CDC recommends you take the following precautions:

  • Only lick the nostrils of people you live with to keep risk of cross-contaminating multiple households down.
  • Try limiting your nose licking to every other day, or at least not more than once per day
  • Wrap your tongue in a protective layer of either plastic wrap and/or aluminum foil before ramming it into someone’s nostril
  • Ask whoever’s nostrils you are about to lick if they would mind rinsing them with a mild soapy solution first

“At the end of the day, the best defense against this virus is the same defense against most viruses,” Montoya said, “which is an elevated awareness of hygiene and cleanliness. And if we’re going to tell you to wash your hands and not touch your face, obviously we should warn you that washing someone’s face with your tongue isn’t a wise decision. Should we have to tell people this? Probably not. But we still are doing it because you wouldn’t believe how many phone calls and emails we got asking us if it’s still okay to nostril lick each other.”

In addition to its warning regarding nostril licking, Dr. Montoya provided a few more coronavirus related updates.

  • The number one risk factor associated with coronavirus is being diagnosed by a doctor with coronavirus
  • There have been no reported cases of coronavirus infection among unicorn breeders
  • People whose first or last names begin with the letters A through Z (unless they’re licensed unicorn breeders) run the highest risk of infection

“Just a touch of common sense can potentially save your life,” Montoya said, “because even if you don’t contract coronavirus from licking someone’s nostrils, there are literally thousands upon thousands of other germs and illnesses you’re just begging to take over your body. Please, please, please for the love of all things, lick something else instead.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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