LA MIERDA LIQUIDA, CALIFORNIA — Getting used to living in the post-coronavirus America has taken some work for 34 year old California resident Mike McMichaelson. He’s had to start working from home, which is something he’d always wanted to try and is actually enjoying quite a bit. However, Mike’s also had to get used to some changes which he calls “pretty devastating” as well. Not seeing his friends and family for extended periods of time is “quite difficult,” Mike explained, but for the last couple of months now he’s gone without something he says might rival human contact as being “the most difficult thing” he’s had to give up to date.
“I miss Taco Bell shits, what can I say? There’s just something really, I don’t know, comforting, about waking up at 3am to shit your pants off because you ate six Doritos Locos tacos and a chalupa value box the night before,” Mike said, “and now that I’ve been mostly preparing my own meals at home this whole time, it’s been a good solid two months since I had a good, not-solid Taco Bell shit, and it’s starting to wear on me.”
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Mike estimates that he ate Taco Bell at least four days a week for roughly sixteen years. While the COVID-19 outbreak doesn’t forbid Mike from having Taco Bell delivered, he says he’s been trying to limit how often he takes advantage of delivery services to help minimize delivery drivers’ exposure to the coronavirus. Even if he had decided it was worth the risk to have Taco Bell delivered, Mike’s got a financial stake in minimizing how often he orders his favorite food for consumption.
“My work furloughed me, and my unemployment’s been approved, but hasn’t come in yet, so I only have so much money I know I can count on,” Mike said. “So I really have to watch every nickel and dime. It’s been weeks since I had a cheesy gordita crunch, and I honestly can’t remember the last order of Nachos Bell Grande I scarfed. Things just don’t seem the same anymore, do they? I just want to know when I’ll feel things are back to normal in every part of me.”
Despite everything being so drastically different, Mike says there are “some advantages” to his eating Taco Bell less, and subsequently having a near complete reduction in instances of hot, flaming, foamy diarrhea the next day.
“I guess strictly from the standpoint of not having a painful, itchy asshole, things are going pretty well I guess,” Mike admitted. “It feels like maybe I’ve gotten so used to Taco Bell shits that my rectum forgot what it feels like to go more than a day or two without opening up and unleashing a sticky, toxic, fecal torrent on my poor, unsuspecting toilet.”
Mike’s local Taco Bell establishment apparently also noticed his absence from their drive through line this week. Waiting for Mike in his mailbox the other day was a handwritten note from the store’s general manager, and a gift card. The note encouraged Mike to “make a run for and get the runs at the border very soon.”
“Come back Mike,” McMichaelson told us the letter said, “There’s enough on this card to give you at least a solid week of diarrhea, or a month if you spread it out. You’ve been loyal to us, and we want to be loyal to you. Please, come get your diarrhea, Mike. We miss you. We love you. We want to be inside you.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.