Thursday, June 8, 2023

Scientists Developing Covid Vaccine That Will Also Shut Meghan McCain the Fuck Up

Calling it “one of the most important and necessary endeavors” of her career, Dr. Kimberly Manheimsteemrohler told a radio host today that she and her fellow researchers at Northwest Southern Idaho University are close to a true medical breakthrough.

“If all goes well, we will have a covid-19 vaccine by the end of the week that not only greatly reduces the chances of getting infected,” Dr. Manheimsteemrohler said, “it’ll also shut Meghan McCain the fuck up.”

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While Manheimsteemrohler said she can’t be certain at this time just how long the new vaccine will keep McCain quiet, she said “any amount of time, any respite from Meghan’s flappity-face noises” will be of great benefit.

“I don’t have to tell you this, of course, but Meghan is probably one of the three most annoying people in media. She bathes in her privilege and status and is constantly saying ridiculously stupid shit,” Manheimsteemrohler explained, “and with a look on her face that is half ‘I farted’ and half ‘Why did you make me fart?’ Like, can you imagine a TV talking head in her thirties complaining that she hasn’t gotten vaccinated yet?”

What Manheimsteemrohler was referring to was a moment on The View this week in which McCain slammed Dr. Anthony Fauci’s work battling covid-19. McCain went so far as to kvetch that as the co-host of a daytime talk show, she didn’t “know when or how I will be able to get a vaccine.” Experts have called it one of the most stunningly self-unaware moments in television history.

“The fact that I, Meghan McCain, co-host of ‘The View,’ I don’t know when or how I will be able to get a vaccine because the rollout for my age range and my health is so nebulous, I have no idea when and how I can get it,” the 36-year-old cohost said. “I want to get it. If you call me at 3 o’clock in the morning, I will go any place at any time to get it.

“So I’m over Dr. Fauci,” McCain said. “I think we need to have more people giving more opinions and honestly quite frankly, I think the Biden administration should remove him and put someone in place that maybe does understand science or can talk like these other countries about how we can be more like these other places that are doing this successfully.” (L.A. Times)

Manheimsteemrohler wasn’t able to get into the specifics of how, exactly, the vaccine would not only keep McCain safe from covid-19 and also shut her the fuck up. However, she said that should the vaccine fail to do both jobs it’s been developed for, her team has other options at their disposal.

“We have a dimensional portal we can just shove her through if worst comes to worst,” Manheimsteemrohler divulged. “I mean, she’d never get covid, and we’d never hear from her again, so that seems like it’d get the same job done, just in a different way.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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