Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Small Government Conservative Wants Critical Race Theory Banned in Schools, Public, and Homes

REAGAN RIVER, OHIO — For his entire life, 48-year-old William Palumbicci has professed his love of what he calls “true, rock-ribbed, dyed-in-the-wool conservative values.” Those values include terms like “rugged individualism,” and “bootstraps.” At the core of his conservative beliefs, however, is one guiding, abiding principle — small government.

“I just think things are better when the government gets the HELL out of the way and lets Americans be Americans the way Americans want to be American,” William told us when we sat down for an interview with him. “The more the government gets involved, the worse the outcome. And frankly, the more tyranny we’re subjected to.”


Palumbicci has several tattoos that he calls “patriotic decoration” for his skin. Many of them relate to the Constitution’s Bill of Rights. William has the full text of the Second Amendment as a tramp stamp on his lower back, and a “1A” for the First Amendment on his left forearm.

“I love the Constitution probably more than I love my own mother. I love it so much I got all these tats, man,” William told us, showing us as many of his tattoos as he could via Skype. “You won’t find anyone who loves the Bill of Rights more than me, and no! Not just the gun one, even though it’s the most kick-ass one. I love freedom of speech.”

Mr. Palumbicci, who owns a construction company that only hires non-union workers, has strong opinions, he told us, on just about every important issue of the day. He talks about his opinions so much at work that his employees have often suggested he start a podcast so that other people can hear his views and they can get more actual work done. One issue that William says he is “extremely passionate” about is critical race theory, and he was very vocal about his take on it during our interview.

“Oh, I don’t think it should even be legal to say those three words, in combination, anywhere with in 500 yard of a school or other place where minor children congregate,” William told us. “Flat out, illegal.”

William wants the phrase “critical race theory” banned throughout America because Palumbicci says it “promotes thinking critically about America’s racist past.” He claims the term, and the practice of critical thinking has a “direct path back to the Communist Manifesto.” In the classroom setting, Palumbicci wants tight controls on not just saying the phrase, but he also wants criminal penalties attached to teaching its concepts — or even mentioning them.

“Oh, if you’re a teacher, you’re already about two degrees of separation from a commie in my book anyway,” William asserted. “But if you wanna make yourself look better in my eyes, and in the eyes of every patriotic American, you better keep that critical race theory crap outta your government indoctrination gulags — er, I MEAN SCHOOLS. Or you should get thrown in jail and executed for treason because CRT is a terrorist attack on my white fragility.”

William plans to sue the local, state, and federal Department of Education in order to hopefully bring a case before the Supreme Court which would strike down any courses that use critical race theory in their curriculum as unconstitutional.

“At least Trump got enough conservative justices on the bench to where my case should win pretty easily,” William guessed. “Finally, something in America helps out white conservative men.”

Palumbicci is also looking into avenues for legally banning critical race theory from even being discussed on private property, in people’s own homes.

“I’m sorry, but some thoughts and expressions and speech is too dangerous to white people’s egos to be just freely discussed,” William said. “What benefit is it for society to be honest with itself about its own past, instead of papering over and literally whitewashing anything that makes us uncomfortable, or forces us to take responsibility now for the fallout? Living in ignorance is my right, and damn the big government thug who tries to take it from me!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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