Wednesday, October 27, 2021

I Don’t Know What Critical Race Theory Is, But I Know You’re Racist For Talking About It

The following editorial was written by conservative commentator and aide to former White House senior racism adviser Stephen Miller. All views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpson alone, and not this publication, its ownership, or staff. You can listen to Dustin Pewpson Everything each day from 3:00-5:00 in the morning on W-KKK AM Talk Radio.

Let me be clear from the outset — I do not really know or understand what Critical Race Theory is, but I do know one thing is for damn certain.

You’re a racist if you even talk about it.

In fact, if you talk about it in a classroom? You’re a racist criminal. At least in the good, God fearing red states with small government legislatures and governors who understand how important it is to make certain speech and thought illegal. If I could spend the rest of my days spit shining Ron DeSantis’ confederate flag pole for making Critical Race Theory illegal in Florida classes, I would. I honestly hope they can find a way to make teaching CRT in classes a felony, punishable by death.

WHY ARE PEOPLE MORE WILLING TO COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT THAN THE SLAVE WAGES MY COMPANY OFFERS?

Anyway, let me also just say, you’re not racist if you’re talking about CRT to condemn it, of course. Even if you believe “immigrants” are coming here to take your job, you’re not racist if you’re talking about CRT to call it a tool of the literal devil. Or, if you’re someone who thinks “it’s just better for society in general if the races don’t mix, but I don’t personally have a problem with black people per se,” and you’re also writing an op-ed about how bad CRT is, you’re not a racist.

At least until the Cancel Culture Antifa AOC Hit Squad make it illegal to be conservative. That’s, of course, the aim of every socialist, to make it illegal to say or think things that run contrary to what they believe. Mark my words, if they could, every single George Soros’ sponsored Democrat would vote to strike the First Amendment and replace it with a copy of someone’s gender studies thesis from some LIBERAL arts college.

As I was saying about why elected officials who ban Critical Race Theory are heroes of the republican and righteous defenders of the Constitution, it’s important to recognize there are people fighting the Left.

From what I have come to understand about CRT from listening to my friends and colleagues in the conservative media sphere, who are also, similarly, just as unfamiliar with the actual specifics of it, there have been fewer greater threats in American history. Were CRT around in the 1800s, it’s quite possible our glorious right-wing religious extremist policy of Manifest Destiny might have ended before we committed patriotic genocide of the natives, and delayed our expansion from sea to shining capitalist, free market sea.

Or worse yet, never happened in the first place!

People like Dan Bongino — my absolute favorite three-time failed congressional candidate and disgraced Secret Service Agent — have taught me that Critical Race Theory is an effort to teach our babies to hate white people. I believe that CRT is twice as dangerous as it sounds stupid when Dan talks about it. Five times as dangerous as it sounds stupid when Louie Gohmert talks about literally any subject.

Everyone has known at least since we elected our first half-black president, and thirty percent of the country refused to believe he was a real American because of his skin color and last name, that even talking about racism is literally the most racist thing you can do. Even if it’s true that Critical Race Theory is only taught in law schools and is mostly just a way to examine how systemic and cultural racism influenced the American legal and justice system, it still should be noted that it’s something that makes certain white people squeamish, and should it be at bare minimum outlawed below the Mason/Dixon.

Part of me wishes I did actually understand what in the hell Critical Race Theory was so I’d have one less thing to worry about ending America as we know it. Between caring where trans people poop and pee or which league they play sports in, continuously protecting trillionaires from paying taxes, and protecting the life of every unborn baby and then advocating for making it as hard as possible for that baby to survive once it grows up, it’s exhausting being conservative.

So fucking exhausting.

JOE ROGAN HOPES TO RIDE BIG KID RIDES THIS SUMMER

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.