Saturday, June 19, 2021

Cruz: “An Impeachment Conviction After He’s Left Office Won’t Make My Wife Any Less Ugly”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before he left office, the former President of the United States of America — a former reality-TV game show host and strong proponent of father/daughter sexual relations — was impeached for the second time in four years. The second time, he was impeached by the House of Representatives for inciting the January 6th, 2021 violent insurrection on the capitol. The development was unprecedented in two ways — no other president has ever been impeached twice, and no president has ever been impeached so closely to when they were leaving office.

When Joe Biden won the election last year, he helped Democrats pick up seats in the Senate in unforeseen places like Georgia and Arizona, giving his party control of both the legislative and executive branches for the first time in about a decade. However, the Democrats’ majority in the Senate is razor thin, and they need Vice President Kamala Harris’ potential tie-breaking vote to ensure they can get legislation onto Biden’s desk. As such, a conviction in the impeachment trial in the Senate seems unlikely.

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Today, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Fuckwitistan) made it clear he is one of many Republicans in the Senate who isn’t interested in holding the trial at all.

“Of course I will stand against this ridiculous political theater and not vote to convict my dear, good friend,” Cruz stated plainly on Fox News this morning. “How could I vote to harm the person who made me very keenly aware of the fact that my wife was ugly? That would just be a slap in his face, and I won’t do that, I’m sorry, I just wont.”

Cruz explained that he “made a blood oath” with the former president once he had beaten Hillary Rodham Clinton. That oath was one of “fealty, loyalty, and undenying devotion to the pug ugly disgustingness of Heidi Cruz.” In exchange, the former president promised to shield Cruz from his most violent of cultists. Ultimately, though, Cruz says that even if the former president is convicted in the Senate, it’d be a “hollow moment in American history.”

“It doesn’t matter what we do now. I’m always going to be married to an ugly woman,” Cruz said. “When I agreed to be his Reek, it was for life, and with the understanding that my wife, Hedi, will always be ugly. You can call me crazy all you’d like, but if we can’t even de-ugly my wife, what in the hell is the point anyway?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.