Thursday, June 1, 2023

Cruz Warns Democrats Might Try to Steal Future Elections With More Votes than Republicans

This story was first published by our sister publication, The Pastiche Post, and is reprinted with their direct permission.

RIO PINCHE CULERO, TEXAS — Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) warned Americans during a Facebook live video session with a conservative pundit that they could have future elections “stolen” from them if Democrats continue to “receive more votes” than Republicans.

“Folks, I have to tell you. Things are getting quite dire,” Cruz intoned,”because look at what happened this year. We were ahead until, all of a sudden, we weren’t. Why is that? Because they started counting Democrat votes, and as much as I have tried to get laws passed that prevent Democrat votes from even being counted, I have been thwarted in those efforts by George Soros and Barack Obama, personally, and so we are in a situation where future elections could be stolen in a very similar fashion, just by them getting more votes than we do.”

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Senator Cruz pilloried “lamestream media math” that kept adding up the vote totals, pushing Biden ahead of Trump.

“Have you noticed that the numbers for Biden kept going up at a higher rate than Trump’s, as if more people had voted for Biden? That seems fishy to me,” Cruz said, “because I know it hurts Republicans’ feelings to think their president lost. As far as I know, protecting their feelings is more important, Constitutionally speaking, than protecting the results of the election.”

Cruz says that in order to “ensure election integrity,” it might be necessary for election laws to be changed across the country. The Texas Republican suggested that perhaps a “vote score algorithm” should be created. The algorithm would then weight the votes of Democrats less than the votes of Republicans because “Republicans are real Americans and Democrats are commie baby killing socialists.”

“What I will say is this, and it’s quite simple,” Cruz suggested. “Perhaps it’s time for us to say that a Democrat vote only carries the weight of three-fifths of a Republican vote. We’ve come to similar compromises and understandings with each other before, so we can’t we make a similar agreement now.”

In the end, Cruz says he’s “worried about a world where Republicans reap the consequences of being assholes for decades.”

“Aren’t we entitled to win? Aren’t we entitled, in fact, to say that only certain Americans are allowed to vote,” Cruz asked rhetorically. “Because I am very worried about a world where Republicans reap the consequences of being assholes for decades. We should be more popular than we are, and instead of examining whether we’re turning people off by being arrogant, ignorant pricks, we want to simply claim fraud. Because this is America, and that’s our damn right to do so!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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