Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Cruz Suggests Haitian Refugees at Border Should ‘Check Out Cancun Instead’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent surge in Haitian refugees on the U.S. border with Mexico has elicited sharp, persistent criticism from elected Republicans, and this morning Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Texas) once again dipped his cloven hoofed toe into that same pool.

“My Bible tells me treat the immigrant and the refugee as if he is not a stranger in our land, but rather as we would one of our own,” Cruz told Fox News today, “but that’s a whole lot of commie cuck action if you ask me. So I ignore the very holy texts I say we should base our American society on, and focus more on riling my base with xenophobic red meat. As one does.”

CRUZ: “AS SOON AS TRUMP GIVES THEM BACK, I’LL KNOW IF GETTING VACCINATED CHANGED MY BALLS”

Cruz lambasted Biden’s handling of the surge of Haitians seeking asylum in the U.S., fleeing violence, poverty, and unending turmoil in their own country. Sen. Cruz said that Biden’s “biggest mistake” was dismantling the changes made to the immigration and refugee processing implemented by the previous White House occupant.

“Don Trump knew that you have to treat people from shit hole countries as less human than you are, and he had the wisdom to build several catapults, capable of firing thousands of brown people back to their commie infested hell hole nations of origin,” Cruz said with all the fervor of a southern pastor. “Then Sleepy Joe came in and took all those catapults apart. Like the weak man he is.”

Sen. Cruz then suggest that the Haitian refugees could “self-deport” and take themselves somewhere he said is “pretty darn great” and he knows from very close, personal experience.

“Clearly our proto communist regime in charge right now isn’t going to do what’s necessary and catapult these melanin-enhanced individuals where they need to go,” Cruz admitted. “So perhaps these Haitians should consider packing up their stuff and heading to Cancun,w which I know for a fact is quite nice this time of year. Or any time of year. I’ll give them the number of a great little resort, too.”

Cruz started scrolling his phone for the number.

“Oh, wait, I’ll have to have my wife Heidi — Ugly Heidi as MAGA Nation knows her — send those digits along,” Cruz said. “I seem to have lost that contact record in my phone. At any rate, I think these people should really think about Cancun. God knows when I’m fleeing my own home country, that’s where I’m headed more often than not.”

ZUCKERBERG: “WHY WOULD WE TAKE OUR NETWORK DOWN TO SCRUB IT AFTER THE WHISTLEBLOWER’S REPORT?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.