Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Cruz: “Republicans Are the Party of Lincoln and That’s Why We Defend the Monuments and Flag of His Racist Enemies”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a break in a Senate hearing on voting rights laws, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Trump’s Taint) blasted Democrats for holding the hearing in the first place, and referred reporters to one of his tweets for context.

“It’s like I said in the tweet, Democrats are the real racists,” Cruz insisted. “Sure, our party dominates the election cycles in confederate states, and in 1968, Richard Nixon specifically targeted racist southern conservatives to win the presidency, a strategy we have repeated literally every election since then, but it’s the Democrats who are the real racists, as I pointed out in that awesome, cherry picked tweet in which I ignore what happened in the last forty years.”

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Reporters asked Sen. Cruz how he squares his assertion that Democrats are the party of racism with the fact that it’s Republicans in red states who are defending confederate monuments and the confederate flag. Cruz pulled a booger out of his nose and stuffed it into his mouth, which is the only time people on the Hill notice that he stops talking. After swallowing the booger, Cruz laughed and responded.

“That is a sad attempt at a gotcha question. As you all know, things only happen once, and that’s how they stay, forever frozen in place,” Cruz explained. “That’s why ice never melts, and the sun never sets. Republicans are the Party of Lincoln, and that’s why we defend the monuments and flag of his racist enemies. I don’t have to show evidence for this claim, I just have to say it and Fox News, OAN, and NewsMax will repeat, like it’s fact, and not push back on anything I claim.”

Cruz fished another booger out of his nose. He smugly put it in his mouth, swallowed, and let out a satisfied “Ahh” as he did.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with the Anglo-Saxon Values commission, then another meeting with the Proud Boys,” Cruz said, “and that’s all before I attend a cross burning at Trump University’s homecoming football game.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.