WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, noted virologist and “Wet Ass Pussy” composer Nicki Minaj caused quite a commotion when she divulged that a friend of one of her cousins experienced swollen testicles after receiving a COVID-19 vaccination. The story became so viral that the health minister in Trinidad, where Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles were said to have been enlarged, felt compelled to personally debunk it.
However, word on the Hill is that one senator in particular was quite nervous about whether or not the anecdotal and unproven story told by Minaj implied they might suffer a similar fate. At a press conference this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) said that he had been in contact with former one-term, twice forever impeached president Donald J. Trump over the weekend. The subject was COVID-19 vaccinations, and their effect on the testes of those who receive the shot.
“As you all know, in the fall of 2016 I surrendered by balls to Donald Trump and pledged an oath of fealty and ugly wifedom to him,” Cruz said with a serious tone in his voice. “Therefore, I am personally unaware of any good or negative effects getting a COVID shot had on my balls. Obviously, I had to call President Trump, but even if he didn’t have them, it’s not like I could ask Heidi. She hasn’t seen my balls in years, even before Trump rightly informed everyone of how goddamn ugly she is.”
Sen. Cruz called Trump, looking to see if the former president could provide an update on the Texas Republican’s former ball sack. According to Cruz, though, Trump was not able to find his balls, and not because they were so small.
“Which, of course, they definitely are. They’re like if two marbles had a little set of twins,” Cruz said. “But Don couldn’t find my balls because so many Republicans have handed theirs to him over the last four years, that he’s lost track of all the balls he has in his possession.”
Cruz has asked Trump to return his balls, he said, if only so he can check on their condition.
“I mean, I’ll give them right back to him, but I need to know. And once I know, I’ll inform you,” Cruz promised. “So, yes, as soon as Trump gives them back, I’ll know if getting vaccinated changed my balls.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.