I have a wife, and we are both forward thinking, progressive individuals.
Not only did she keep her last name when we got married, I gave up my last name…and my first name! In fact, I gave up my entire identity when we got hitched. In addition, as part of our iron-clad prenuptial agreement I had to sign a legally binding contract that forces me to use only a nickname for my wife’s pussy from the pre-approved list of vaginal nicknames I was furnished.
Let me guess, you’re probably thinking something like…
“What the shit?”
Well, as odd as it may sound, there is nothing like the peace of mind you get when you and your sex partner are so completely and utterly on the same page. Otherwise, you might wind up with a scenario like this one, described below.
A married couple are “doing it,” sexually.
HUSBAND: Oh yeah baby, this is so hot!
WIFE: Yes, man style sex partner, I agree this is very hot!
HUSBAND: You want me to go down there?
WIFE: Ooh, go down where, baby?
HUSBAND: You know…
WIFE: Tell me, baby, I wanna hear it!
HUSBAND: Okay, do you want me to eat your Gerald R. Ford?
WIFE: What in the holy living fuck did you just call my Hornblower? That’s it! I call for an Instant Divorce!
A lawyer magically appears.
LAWYER: Your officially divorced, that’ll be $5000, thank you!
If they had just had taken the time to have the papers drawn up that my wife did, they’d have had the same comfort going into their sex session as my wife and I always do. I personally find it quite liberating to never have to worry about whether I’m going to insult my wife or just make her feel awkward with one of my sexual slang improv moments.
And besides, I think you’ll agree that all of these names are just simply adorbs!
The 15 Cute Nicknames My Wife Insists I Use For Her Pussy
What can I say? My lady’s a sucker for the classics.
#14. “Darth Plagueis”
What? My girl knows I’m not only a hardcore STAR WARS fan, but I like deep-cut trivia. Cute AF.
Whenever I use this one I also have to windmill high-five her as I say it and make sure I say, “I feel the need, the need for speed, but not too fast because that’s not enjoyable for anyone!” I can usually at least get to “feel,” too, so that’s cool!
#12. “California Burrito”
This one is so adorable! And it makes total sense, because they’re both super tasty things you can’t wait to put your mouth on, and they both have guacamole and french fries in them!
#11. “Pop N Fresh”
Yes, of fucking course it’s weird that my wife wants me to call her vagina the name of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but I think I can explain why it’s actually very apt without being “un-gentlemanly” and revealing too much personal information with this one second video clip.
#10. Her “Hambone-y Zamboni”
We like hockey, okay?
My wife is a right-wing conspiracy nut that hangs out on weekends down in the backroom at our local tobacconist spinning yarns about secret government plots to force us all into FEMA camps where we get gay married after they take our guns away…but she’s he’s hot as fuck and I know I will never do any better so…
#8. “Front Butt”
Think about it for a second. We’ll be here when you get back.
#7. “Taco Bell”
I’ll admit it, even I don’t really know what she means with this one. On an unrelated note. my wife put an enchirito in my butt hole last night. We called it “pegging with an enchirito.”
#6. “Bloomin’ Onion”
This one, I am sure, doesn’t really need an explanation because of the fact that everyone who’s anyone knows that the romantic hot spot is Chili’s, but if you can’t go there, you go to Outback Steakhouse and that’s where you can get a Bloomin’ Onion. You’d have to ask my wife why she likes her poom-poom to be called that though.
#5. “Babba Booey”
Or is it “Fa Fa Flo Hi?”
#4. “Miller High Life”
Because her vagina is the “Champagne of Pussy.” She was really insistent it says that. Twice. Her vagine is the “Champagne of Pussy.”
#3. “Bob Dylan”
She’ll be the first to admit: my wife’s vagina frankly can write the most beautiful poetry and lyrics you’ve ever heard, but its singing voice is, to be completely fair, an acquired taste. I personally love it, but I recognize how some might call it “nasal” or “adenoidal” or “whistle-y.” I guess the answer’s just blowin’ in the wind in her pussy.
#2. “Penis Receptacle”
Sometimes it’s hot to be clinical and literal, guys.
#1. “Billy Joel”
Because I’ll always love it, just the way it is. Also because her vagina is, like, always talking about how it’s in a New York State of Mind.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.