Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Darwin Institute Encourages MAGA to Refuse Vaccine and Masks

“The Darwin Institute has always been committed to supporting any endeavor to prove evolution is real.” – Dr. Hans Katsipp

Dr. Hans Katsipp of the Charles Darwin Institute issued a press release from organization today in which he told people who belong to the political movement and death cult known as “MAGA,” that they should fell free to both refuse the COVID-19 vaccine and wearing masks in public. The press release drew immediate outrage from right-wing media outlets, and in an attempt to smooth things over, Dr. Katsipp appeared on Fox News this afternoon to explain his  thought process, and the context of the press release in fuller detail.

“Let me make myself abundantly clear,” Dr. Katsipp told the automaton Fox News host-bots, “I am a doctor first and foremost, but not of medicine. Even still, in good faith I want everyone to get their vaccine and if they don’t they really SHOULD be wearing masks. But the Darwin Institute has always been committed to supporting any endeavor to prove evolution exists, and we can, right now, think of no better to do that than refusing a vaccine while not masking in any situation.”


Katsipp reiterated several times during his appearance that personally he doesn’t want any more people to catch COVID-19, much less die from it. However, speaking strictly as a scientist with a scientific interest in the preservation and furtherance of the theory of evolution, his  professional opinion is that people should “just go ahead and do it.”

“Honestly? You all out there know who’s going to get their shot, and who won’t, and who will wear a mask, and who won’t,” Katsipp said. “So does it really matter what I say? And the way I see it, if some of you out there in MAGAstan are going to be engaging in these kinds of behaviors, why can’t science, and specifically the Darwin Institute, learn from your idiotic and self-defeating behavior?”

Katsipp is not a registered member of any party, and he claims he doesn’t get involved in politics because he is too busy with his work. He would be saying the same things to anyone who voted for Joe Biden that also refuses to get vaccinated while eschewing face masks. In the end, Dr. Katsipp says he has “too much respect for individual liberty” to stop people from engaging in that kind of behavior.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with political parties. I’ve voted for Republicans, and I’ve voted for Democrats,” Katsipp said. “I think most Americans were like that at some point in their lives up until ol’ Li’l Smokie Fingers was elected anyway. My job depends on dumbasses of all political stripes. It just so happens that one political stripe is particularly dumbassed these days, and that’s who we decided to target our message to this time.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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