WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking to reporters from the lawn of the White House, Marine One’s propeller blades spinning loudly in the background, President Donald Trump told reporters today that “as much as [his] heart goes out” to the family of David Koch, the billionaire Republican donor who died this morning, the industrialist’s death could have been prevented.
“Look, all I’m saying is that Koch cucked me out of donations and now he’s dead. You do the math,” Trump told reporters. “I see a lot of people every day who gave me — excuse me, my campaign — money, and they’re all alive. I would say that, and this is completely true in my mind and therefore it has to be really true, no one who has given my campaigns any money has died, or will ever die.”
Mr. Trump explained why, exactly, he knows that Koch would not have lost his long battle with prostate cancer if he had simply donated to Trump’s presidential efforts.
“The Chosen One gets to decide who lives and dies, guys,” Trump said matter of factly, “Duh.”
Several of Trump’s supporters expressed their support for his suggestion that donating to his campaign would have kept Koch, and anyone else for that matter, alive.
“There is clear, historical evidence that the Democrats invented death back when they literally told Hitler to do the Holocaust,” filmmaker and felon Dinesh D’Souza tweeted, “and my new movie, The Truth About Democrats As Far As You’ve Been Told, will expose how it goes all the way to Crooked Hillary, Benghazi, Seth Rich, the second gunman on the grassy knoll, and the crucifixion of Christ. Coming soon to six theaters nationwide, sometime next year.”
Newly hired Fox News contributing racist liar Sarah Huckabee Sanders praised her former boss for “having the courage of his convictions to divulge his god-like power to give and take away life.”
“Y’all, I gotta tell you, and you know that if my mouth is moving a) there’s bits of chewed up sandwich in it and b) I’m telling the truth because we literally only tell the truth here at Fox News,” Huckabee Sanders told her new podcast audience, “President Donald Trump is not God, per se. But he’s pretty close, isn’t he? I mean, when you read the Bible and read about God, you pretty much envision Donald Trump, don’t you? I know I do, and that’s in no way related to the lobotomy I had in December of 2016, shortly before he took office. Does anyone else smell almonds?”
Mr. Trump suggested that even if Koch hadn’t donated, but had simply shown public support for his campaign, he might have escaped mortality.
“Even if all he did was put on a MAGA hat and call the press the enemy of the people, he probably would’ve lived another two, three hundred years,” Trump said with sadness in his tone. “But no one ever listens to ol’ Smarty Pants Donny, do they?”
Currently there are no publicly announced funeral or memorial arrangements. However, three spirits of Christmases past, present, and yet to come issued a joint statement.
“We are devastated to learn of the passing of Mr. David Koch, one of our favorite people to visit every year,” the statement reads. “While we unfortunately couldn’t help David remove even one link from his chains, he did fashion those memories himself…himself…himself.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”