Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Tom Cotton Would Support D.C.’s Statehood if It Was White and Pointy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 2019, the population of the District of Columbia was roughly 692,000 people. By comparison, each Dakota’s population clocks in at roughly the same number of Americans, with South Dakota taking the top spot at just over 880,000 people. Despite the fact that D.C. has a population comparable to several states, and it’s own (non-voting) member of the House of Representatives, many Congressional Republicans are firmly against the efforts by Democrats to get statehood granted to the District.

Sen. Tom Cotton (Q-The Confederacy) is one of those who is staunchly against D.C. statehood. However, during an appearance on Fox News this morning, Cotton even surprised the hosts when he announced that there might be some certain, special circumstances under which he’d support it.

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“We’re talking about nothing but a political power grab, perpetrated by the Democrat Party with this new D.C. statehood push,” Cotton explained. “So of course I don’t support it. They didn’t even have the decency to make it a pointy white hood, so it just shows you how much they support traditional American values like white supremacy and ignoring white supremacy.”

Cotton, whose ancestors owned slaves, offered to “work hand in hand, robe by robe” with any elected Democrat who wanted to work toward a compromise.

“Look, the Dems would be open to letting us rescind Roe v. Wade, defund Obamacare, terminate Social Security and Medicaid, and force every school to teach only the Ten Commandments,” Cotton teased, “I’m sure I could rustle up a few votes for this D.C. statehood thing. I mean, I can’t make any promises, of course, but if they are willing to give us everything we want, with no assurances we’ll reciprocate, then of course I’ll be the adult in the room and negotiate with the Democrats.”

Reportedly, Sen. Joe Mansion (D?-WV) has already asked Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) if he can lead the negotiations with Cotton.

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“I just love the idea of giving up everything the Democrats want so I can pretend to be a bipartisan American folk hero,” Mansion told reporters when asked this afternoon. “Plus, I’d bring along Kyrsten Sinema, and nobody is better at making sure the Democratic agenda is stopped like Kyrsten, Tom, and me. You’re welcome, America!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.