Friday, March 31, 2023

Delta Variant Also Doesn’t Want You To Fauci Their Florida

TALLAHASSSE, FLORIDA — If there’s anything that enrages Republicans these days, it’s competent people doing their jobs. This, perhaps more than anything, is the reason that day after day some elected Republican does an interview or makes a post on social media that trashes Dr. Anthony Fauci, whose alleged offenses range from “changing guidance after getting better data” and “encouraging people to get vaccinated so they don’t get COVID and die.”

One of Fauci’s most outspoken critics has been pro-MAGA Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Despite the fact that COVID cases in his state have been on the rise in the last two weeks, Gov. DeSantis has resisted instituting any masking or distancing guidelines. Instead, he has chosen to start offering “Don’t Fauci My Florida” branded merchandise to help plump up his campaign’s coffers.


As COVID cases mount in the Hanging Dong State, it’s unclear if DeSantis will waver in his commitment to keeping Florida completely open. On a related note, COVID-19’s Delta variant released a statement praising DeSantis’ “hard work and determined effort to let people die for no good reason.”

“I have to say that I am absolutely in awe of the job Gov. DeathSantis — excuse me, DeSantis has done pretending to care about eradicating me,” the Delta variant wrote. “Nothing thrills me more than getting a chance to do my thing, and nothing helps me do my think better than unvaccinated morons meeting together unmasked. Almost nobody does as much to encourage maskless moron meetings like Gov. DeSantis”

The Delta variant also stated their “strong support” for the Don’t Fauci My Florida merch.

“I have a really good thing going in Florida right now, so I really hope nobody does Fauci that state. That new merch campaign is absolutely genius, and I already bought sixty shirts myself,” the variant said. “I absolutely hope no one lets Dr. Fauci do his thing in Florida, because I might be out of a job! I’m so grateful that there are brave Republicans out there standing up to a man who is trying to bully everyone with facts, data, and polite suggestions.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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