Wednesday, May 31, 2023

DeSantis Bans Rainbows From Appearing After Florida Rainstorms

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) is expected to sign a bill into law when it comes to his desk that will ban the discussion of sexual orientation or identity in the Sunshine State’s classrooms. The bill, dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” act, has been roundly criticized by human rights and LGTBQ+ activists as codifying discrimination, and some have wondered whether banning homosexuals would be DeSantis’ next step.

DeSantis, however, answered those questions himself this morning.

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“With this order, I am striking yet another blow for traditional American values like feeling icky about something we don’t understand and banning it, open bigotry, and religious-based discrimination of a minority class of people,” DeSantis said as he signed a new executive order. “From this point forward, it is illegal for a rainbow to appear after a rainstorm in the State of Floriduh.”

A rainbow can often be seen shortly after a rainstorm ends. In Florida rainstorms can be quite frequent, given its tropical climates. In fact, the Holy Bible claims that God put a rainbow in the skies after the Great Floods in order to assure humanity he’d never try to drown them all in a fit of genocidal rage again. However, rainbows have also been co-opted by the LGTBQ+ movement as a symbol of unity through diversity, and because of that symbolism, DeSantis says Florida’s youth should be protected from them.

DeSantis indicated he’s “concerned about a chain reaction” that influence a child in Florida, starting with simply seeing a rainbow after a rainstorm.

“First a kid sees a rainbow. Then he learns about light refraction. The next thing you know, he’s secretly asking Matt Gaetz if he has any buddies with connections to young men who might want to travel across state lines to…you know what? Forget I said anything.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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