Friday, January 27, 2023

DeSantis Orders Critical Race Theory Detectors Installed on Every Florida Campus

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) is on a crusade to eliminate Critical Race Theory from his state’s classrooms, even if it’s not part of any public school curriculum. He’s already introduced a bill similar to Texas’ abortion law that would authorize parents to sue teachers and school districts if they catch Critical Race Theory being taught to their children.

The proposed bill is called the “Stop WOKE Act.”

Selected Excerpts from Mark Meadows’ January 6th Text Messages

According to several sources, the governor understands that he cannot enforce his new Stop WOKE Act until it works its way through the Florida legislature. So that’s why DeSantis worked out another scheme to keep Critical Race Theory from reaching Florida students. This morning, DeSantis issued an executive order, directing all America’s Dong State schools to implement CRT Detectors at their entrances, in faculty lounges, and even in certain classrooms.

“We simply cannot take a chance that someone will get onto one of our campuses with something that can harm them, like an honest discussion about systemic American racism. I mean, we aren’t talking about some kid sneaking something harmless like an AR-15 into school; we’re talking about frank and primary-source backed conversations about actual, historical facts,” DeSantis warned Floridians.

Gov. DeSantis assured his constituents that they would not be paying a large amount for the CRT detectors. Instead, some old equipment will be retrofitted for a new purpose.

“Remember when Rick Scott had gaydar installed on all campuses so we could track the creeping influence of the sinister gay agenda on our children? Well, it turns out that gaydar and CRTdar work on the same basic tech. So we can get the CRTdar up and running really quickly with a few turns of a screwdriver, I’m told,” DeSantis explained.

Gov. DeSantis gave schools 30 days to comply, and will personally chain and lock up every school that doesn’t get their CRTdar implemented by that time.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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