EDISON FALLS, IDAHO — Nicholas Tesler describes himself as an “amateur tinkerer” and he says he enjoys coming up with new inventions, even if they never go to market. Mr. Tesler recently contacted us because he believes he’s invented a new device that may truly come in handy over the next four years or so.
“This is a device,” Tesler said to us, “that translates both farts and Donald Trump speeches.”
Tesler said he discovered his device had a dual purpose one night when he was working on his Fart Translator 3000 while watching TV. He wasn’t paying attention, and Donald Trump came on. As soon as Trump started speaking, Nicholas told us, his translator starting “beeping and whirring and spitting out actual English words instead of the gibberish Trump usually spews.”
“It was the damndest thing,” Tesler said, “Trump said, ‘I’m gonna build the yoogest wall, the best wall, 900 feet tall and electrified,’ and my fart translator picked it up and translated it as, ‘I’m a big dummy promising big things I won’t have the power or the cooperation of Congress to pull off but a lot of dumb people believe me because they’ve been taught that education is a liberal conspiracy.'”
Mr. Tesler left his machine running for the entire time Trump was on TV and said he was “blown away” by how accurately and quickly it translated Trump from “fartese, the language of assholes,” to English.
“Trump said at some point that he was going to ‘Make so many big deals and great things would start happening because winning is all we need’ and my translator spat back out, ‘Hey check me out I have nothing of substance to say so I’m using completely hollow platitudes. Also, my hair is just garbage we find in the gutter every day and plaster to my big, dumb, orange head.'” Tesler believes his Trump and Fart Translator will be a “miracle device” for news outlets who will need to cover Trump speeches if he wins the election, as well as for intelligent Americans who “don’t know how to understand his bloviating stupidity.”
In order to ensure accuracy, Tesler said he conducted a reverse translation test of the translator.
“One day I ate at Taco Bell for breakfast, lunch, and dinner,” Tesla said, “and that night I had the farts something terrible. So I cranked up the translator, bent over, and released one right into its auditory sensor. Damned if that thing didn’t translate my fart into perfect Trump-ese.”
And then, Tesler demonstrated for us, via Skype, exactly how it worked. He bent down and again pushed some of his own flatulence into the machine. It was a high-toned “squeaker” but the translator had no problems with it.
“Make America great again,” a slightly synthesized, female voice said from the translator.
The Trump and Fart Translator 3000 will be available sometime in the fall, and will retail for $49.99.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”