President Requires Dirt on Joe Biden Before Pardoning Any Turkeys

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For many years, a time honored tradition of American politics has been to have the sitting President of the United States “pardon” a turkey that is supposedly doomed to be Thanksgiving dinner.

Presidents on both sides of the aisle have participated, though during the George W. Bush administration, the live turkey was replaced with packages of smoked turkey sliced into lunch meat, because the president at the time was intimidated by animals with a larger brain than his. When he took office in 2017, President Donald Trump began undoing or reversing a number of decisions made by his predecessor, Barack Obama (D-Kenya). To say that Trump is unconventional and untethered to tradition.

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However, for the last two years, Mr. Trump has in fact pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey. This year, though, he’s added a new wrinkle to the ceremony. Moments ago, on the White House lawn, Trump admitted to reporters that he conditioned the Thanksgiving pardon on the ability of the chosen turkey to “investigate the Bidens for any corruption.” It’s unclear just was jurisdictional authority the turkey has to investigate, and where, but nevertheless, Trump is insisting that the condemned turkey try to dig up dirt on Joe Biden and his family before any pardons are issued.

“This is about corruption, pure and simple, okay? My call with the gobble-gobble was perfect! Perfect, I tell you,” Trump shouted. “The only people who don’t think my call was perfect are Never Trumpers! And you know what’s not in the Constitution? Never Trumpers! Therefore, technically they’re unconstitutional, and that makes them ILLEGAL. Don’t ask me! Ask Bill Barr, he’s the one that told me the Constitution made me a god with unlimited powers, and why would I not listen to him?”

The identity of the turkey is still being withheld by the administration until it’s confirmed if they’ll launch an investigation into the Bidens. However, Trump intimated that even if the turkey in question agrees to investigate Biden and his family, there could be new conditions added to the pardon deal. Trump said that Attorney General William Barr was “quite sure of himself” that presidents are allowed to “literally do and say whatever they want as if the law is irrelevant” to them.

“Maybe by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, Biden won’t be up in the polls. Maybe POLKA-HON-TISS will be leading then,” Trump explained. “That’ll prolly make me suspicious of HER corruption. You see, it’s all about corruption, okay? Not politics. It just so happens that everyone I think is corrupt is my political rival. Anyway, if I want dirt on POLKA-HON-TISS, and I think that waddle-waving cuck I’m supposed to pardon’s got the goods, I’ll tell it to give me the stuff on Warren, or it’ll be off with their head.”

Trump took the opportunity to announce that he had decided to seat himself back at the adults table after all, come Thanksgiving Day. Initially, Trump had thought he wanted to sit at the kids table, but when he discovered that his daughter Ivanka wouldn’t be sitting at the kids table like she used to “back in her way hotter and younger days,” Trump said, he decided to sit with the adults again. The president said he still expects guests he dines with at the adult table to dumb down their dinner conversation so he can follow it.

“That’s the other thing Bill Barr said is illegal now. You can’t say things I don’t get or understand,” Trump said, shoving his middle finger into CNN’s Jim Acosta’s face for no obvious reason, while also farting at the same time. “It’s all about me, baby! I’m the PRES-O-DENT!”

The White House expects an answer from the condemned turkey by the end of the week.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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