ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — When Disney announced that they would be dramatically raising Disneyland ticket pricing this year, a strong negative buzz began to foment on social media. Quizzically, though, the entertainment behemoth announced today that next year’s ticket plans and pricing would be an even more drastic change from the historical norms.
“Beginning in 2020, Disneyland park visitors will get to choose between First, Second, and Steerage class tickets,” Disney Junior Deputy Chief Imagineering and Pleb Interfacing Officer Susan Susanovich told investors during a conference call today. “And we think these new plans will make the park far more enjoyable for elite, well-off families our park is meant to cater to.”
Susanovich admitted that during the last economic crisis, Disney and Disneyland were hit extremely hard, with tourist dollars dwindling. That’s when Disney started offering pricing plans to attract season pass holders, and shore up their revenue streams. Now that they’ve “wrung all the blood from the poor stones,” she says, Disney can afford to “give the middle finger to those same middle class families that kept us afloat for so long.”
The First Class tickets will cost $1500 for the day, but will grant guests at that level to “pretty much do whatever the fuck they want” within park boundaries.
“For a family of four, $6000 is a small price to pay for a single day’s worth of joy, magic, and Disney-ass-to-ass pleasures,” Susanovich said. “Wait, sorry, that last one is for another special announcement later. Anyway, the point is six grand isn’t a lot of money for what you get.”
Second Class tickets will function mostly the same as the First Class ones will, but holders of those tickets will have to choose six rides they are not allowed to ride for the day. It’s the Steerage Class tickets that are the biggest change for park visitors.
“Steerage Class ticket holders will not get to ride any ride, or go into any shops or attractions,” Susanovich explained. “However, they will also have the added benefit of walking around the park all day, serving every wont and whim of the First Class guests. We call it our ‘Pleb Our Guest’ program, and we think you poor, broke-ass middle class Americans will really love it!”
Those guests who do purchase Steerage Class tickets will also get one more “very special perk,” as Ms. Susanovich put it.
“In the event of some cataclysmic, life or death crisis in the Magic Kingdom, Steerage Class guests will be the first fed to the monster, or thrown down the volcano’s mouth,” Susanovich said. “You know what they say, ‘Save the best for last, especially when some Poors can be sacrificed first.'”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.