Friday, January 27, 2023

In Hindsight, Crossing Horse, Demon, and Nazi DNA Was Probably a Bad Idea

The following is an excerpt from a new book entitled, “Making a Monster,” written by Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the American Institute of Genetic Research. In his new book, Dr. Hornaydieux reveals some rather earth shattering details about freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia. Namely, that Ms. Greene is the byproduct of work done by Hornaydieux and his staff in crossbreeding horses, demons, and Nazis.

As scientists, we know that sometimes we simply cannot predict, much less control, the outcome of experiments. No matter how many controls we have in place, no matter how many precautions we take, from time to time, one gets away from us and the consequences for humanity can be absolutely devastating. In hindsight, seeing the kind of destruction that has come as a result, crossing horse, demon, and Nazi DNA was probably a bad idea.

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Our work at the AIGR has always taken my team and I into some unchartered, even sometimes controversial waters. Perhaps, when it was proposed to us that we see what happens when we try to hybridize equine, satanic, and Nazi DNA into one life form I should have gone with my gut instinct and declined it. However, in science, sometimes we feel the tug of a challenge, and it’s too great to resist.

Of course, had I realized just how stupid and demonic a horsefaced Nazi I would have overseen the creation of, I would have said it was a bridge too far. Still, I cannot deny that as we were loading the DNA samples from the horse, the demon, and the Nazi into our DNA-combinator, there was a rush of excitement. That excitement, quickly turned into cold, panicked dread when the life we created started speaking.

The moment we started hearing shouts about ending abortion, secret Jewish space lasers, and stolen elections, we knew we’d, scientifically speaking, royally fucked-up. By that point, though, it was too late. The white nationalist inbred daughter of the confederacy was already out of the barn, so to speak.

Which is a very apt metaphor, given that she’s a horsefaced Nazi demon, of course.

In my years as a science guy, I have made mistakes, that’s true. I have never, in all those years, however, made a mistake quite so large. I don’t know that I will ever be able to full live this mistake down, and while I know it brings no comfort to the people she has caused so much harm to over these past several months, I must take this chance to right here, right now apologize to the American people, and indeed humanity in general.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is a blight on the planet that I am responsible for. I take this seriously, and I offer my most sincere apology. I will work tirelessly to create a portal to another dimension, and then we can lure her into it with KKK pamphlets, and promises of a Crossfit sex orgy on the other side.

“Making a Monster” will be on shelves sometime early in 2022.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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