WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Justice has issued its first preliminary casualty counts in the Second Civil War.
This week, right-wing provocateur, performance artist, and professional conspiracy theorist Alex Jones put his considerable reputation as the country’s foremost prognosticator on the line when he predicted that today, July 4th, 2018 would mark the start of America’s Second Civil War. Jones told his audience that members of the Democratic Party had been secretly planning to start another civil war on the continent on this day, and the Democrats’ goal would be nullify President Donald Trump’s tenure, and later he would be overheard at a local Texas pizza restaurant telling people he believed that “chemtrails to turn us gay like the frogs are still very much so in play.”
“It is my duty to inform the American public as to the total casualty count of American citizens lost during the first day of fighting in the Democrats’ Second Civil War,” DOD’s Under Junior Deputy Media Secretary Janice Chizznit told reporters this morning.
Taking a big folder out from under the podium she was speaking from, Chizznit opened it and began reading.
“Okay it looks like…yeah…alright, let me just add these up here from this column,” Ms. Chizznit began. “Then I carry the…add this…subtract by the coefficient here…stand on one foot, hop around, shout WOOBA WOOBA WOOBA, and…yeah. Okay. Ready?”
The reporters nodded.
“Zero, oh wait, I might have missed,” Chizznit checked herself. “Nope. I was right the first time. None.”
Reporters asked if there was a delay in reporting from the battlefield.
“No, there isn’t actually a battlefield. Believe it or not, it appears Alex Jones’ reign of perfect predictions has come to an end,” Chizznit said. “Shocking and completely surprising as it may be to all of us who come to trust his predictions to be as reliable as a Bush administration official telling you a country they want to bomb has WMD.”
Chizznit pressed on.
“Obviously, I will not be able to release any names of the fallen to you as well,” Chizznit said.
When reporters asked if that was because all the next of kin hadn’t been notified yet, Chizznit denied that and reiterated her initial statement.
“No, not at all. We can’t give you names of people who died if they didn’t actually, you know, die,” Chizznit said.
Ms. Chizznit was asked if there was at least a possibility for casualties to begin rolling in.
“I would say that’s a pretty hard and fast no,” Chizznit answered. “But I make it a habit in my live to not ever say never. We have a reality-TV star who wants to boink his own daughter as our commander in chief. Literally anything is possible now, but you kinda need to actually have a civil war to report casualties from it.”
Reached for comment in his tinfoil bunker designed to filter chemtrails from his oxygen supply, Mr. Jones simply farted into his phone, screamed, “GOTCHA, LIBTARDS!” for ten minutes straight, and then immolated in a cloud of nutritional supplements and good ol’ crack cocaine.