SANTO DOMINGO, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC — In a shocking blow to the country, it is rumored that Rush Limbaugh’s will left out his favorite Dominican past time: Underage prostitutes.
Victoria Smelling, a leading black market travel agent, had been dealing with Limbaugh for a number of years.
“I had a minimal amount of dealings with him prior to his moving to Palm Beach in the mid 90’s,” Smelling told a local Florida newspaper yesterday, “but once he established his ‘Southern Command,’ there was no keeping him off the island.”
It’s been long-known that the Dominican Republic has been a sex tourist hot spot, and Rush Limbaugh was the VIP of all visitors. And it didn’t go unnoticed. According to previously unreleased state financial records, Limbaugh’s spending while on the island, mainly on food and child prostitutes, made up roughly 35% of the country’s struggling economy.
But after his last arrest, Rush had stayed close to home, focusing his energy on fucking the country, and not underage boys and girls in the Caribbean. And with that, the promises he made to the country’s youth will go by the wayside.
Said Smelling, “Not including underage prostitutes in his will is classic Rush. He was always full of pain pills and Viagra. Makes sense he would be full of shit as well. I’d say he found one more way to stiff them, but he never was able to do that without lots of help from the little blue pills anyway.”
It’s not just Dominican prostitutes that could suffer financial burdens in the wake of Limbaugh’s resuming room temperature. As we reported just this morning, a Florida man who dealt illicitly obtained pharmaceuticals to Limbaugh for years told us he will struggle to pay his bills now that Rush is dead. Though, he did mention he has the potential to replace his Limbaugh-funded drug sales with another customer’s particular pill addiction.
“I’ve been able to diversify recently. With President Trump moving permanently to Mar-A-Lago, I’ve weaseled my way into the Adderall game,” Crabtree announced. “I can’t complain. It’s very hit or miss with Donnie right now, but when I get that call from Don Jr, I know I’ll be eating good for a day or two.” (NRN)
Asked how she sees the future of the country, Smelling told us that the Dominican Republic “survived hurricanes and worse.”
“Our children will heal. Our economy will bounce back,” Smelling is confident. “We will leave a lasting legacy. Rush, on the other hand? Well, he leaves behind a legacy; just probably not one his listeners will ever embrace.”