STUPID FUCKFACE, FLORIDA — Taking time out during a golf tournament put on by some of the richest Republican donors in the country, Donald Trump Jr. blasted President Joe Biden for signing an infrastructure package worth roughly $1.5 trillion into law earlier Monday. Scratching his testicles profusely, and sniffing incessantly, Trump Jr. cast doubt on whether Biden’s achievement is “really all that big of a deal,” despite the fact that his own father promised an infrastructure deal for his entire single term presidency, and did not deliver.
“Everyone’s trying to dunk on President Daddy over this whole infer-struckshur thing, right? First of off, the idea of Donald Trump not finishing is a well known thing. At least among all three of my mommies. Next of off, they keep saying how Sleepy Joe is good at finishing things President Daddy can’t finish, and I think that’s a load of utter bullshit,” Trump Jr said while picking his teeth with a used golf tee.
“I mean, if Joe’s so good at finishing what Daddy couldn’t, why can’t he make Ivanka cum? Why isn’t the mainstream media finding out why President Daddy was so much more better at hangin’ and bangin’ with Sissy than Sleepy Joe? You have to follow the money, and it’s probably somewhere where communism is being done!”
Trump Jr. assailed Biden for not inviting him to the White House Thanksgiving Dinner.
“It was bad enough when President Daddy didn’t invite me back when he was living in the White Power House, but can there be any more obvious-er evidence that Joe Biden is an full-blown soyboy commie betacuck than his refusal to sit down with the rightful king’s heir apparent?”
Representatives for Former First Lady Ivanka Trump have indicated that Trump Jr’s accusations “have merit, and are worth examining, or whatever.”
“There’s no way for President Biden to spin it — he’s never made Ivanka Trump have an orgasm. What Americans must ask themselves is, what that means to them,” Trump’s spokesassholes said in a written statement.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.