Sunday, September 19, 2021

All His Past Lovers Can’t Believe Don Trump’s Dong Was Big Enough to Block January 6th Commission

“I mean, just based on the VERY SMALL amount of time I spent with him, you know, intimately, I would say I’m quite shocked it was that big,” one past lover of former President Donald Trump told us during a Zoom call with several other women he’s slept with. “I wouldn’t think his dong would be big enough to block your view of a handful of toothpicks, much less do this, but well, you’d have to ask Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio how that came to pass.”

None of the women we interviewed wanted to be identified by their real names. In order to assure us, however, that they had in fact had sex with Trump, each woman showed us a copy of a check made out for $130,000 and signed by his former attorney Michael Cohen, given to them to secure their silence. Each woman agreed to speak to us as long as we promised not to publish their names, as it could cost them the money they were paid after letting Trump, as one of his lovers told us, “mash his floppy, smelly gummy worm into [her] who-ha.”

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Last week, Senate Republicans used the filibuster to prevent the January 6th commission from forming. When the measure, which would authorize the creation of a commission to study Trump supporters’ failed coup this past January, passed though the house, a couple dozen Republicans voted for it. However, by the time the vote was held on the Senate floor, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) had managed to convince enough in his conference to either vote “no” or abstain from voting, ultimately dooming the commission.

Over the Memorial Day weekend, several Senate Republicans were asked how it was possible that they would block an investigation into an attack that was perpetrated, in part, against them. Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) insisted that no Republican blocked the commission on their own. Instead, Cruz said it was a “joint effort” between many in his conference and the former president.

“It turns out, that not only is former President Trump a great guy, and my wife is extremely ugly,” Cruz told Newsmax TV, “he has an enormous dong. His dong is so enormous, in fact, that it was able to block the commission. All we did was grant his dong entrance to the Senate chamber, and once we all took a good look at just how, you know, massive it is, we knew it’d be big enough to block the commission from ever forming.”

Most of the women we spoke to, however, could not verify what Cruz claimed to be Trump’s dong size.

“When he took off his pants, all I remember seeing is something that looked like half a roll of dimes,” another former lover told us, “filled with mashed potatoes and gravy. It was flaccid, cold, and really greasy. And now you’re telling me somehow that it was big enough to block the January 6th commission? Those Senate Republicans are clearly not size queens.”

Former President Trump could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.