NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s third smartest son intends to assert two legal privileges when he testifies before the Senate Intelligence Committee, under oath, in the near future.
Donald Trump Jr., the second most intelligent Donald Trump on Earth, was issued a rather surprising subpoena from Senator Richard Burr’s intel committee earlier this week. It was considered so surprising, in part, because Burr is a member of Junior Trump’s father’s political party, and one of the first executive decrees issued by Generalissimo Trump was that it was illegal for Republicans to defy him, or have thoughts he did not approve of first. Also adding to the somewhat shock nature of the subpoena, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had just hours before given a speech on the Senate floor that declared the Mueller Report “case closed” on Russian interference in 2016’s election.
Since word of the subpoena become public knowledge, Trump Jr. and many of his father’s loudest political allies have assailed Burr.
“Who the hell does this traitor think he is, putting his country before his donor’s tax cuts? Call me old fashioned, but I remember when being a Republican meant being a servile little fascist toady,” Senator Ted Cruz of Texas asked reporters outside of Serial Killers Emporium, the wholesale murder weapon warehouse store of choice for all the nation’s leading serial killers. “The president implied my dad helped kill JFK and called my wife ugly, and here I am carrying his water. Is Senator Burr above being Trump’s bitch? And if, so why? And also if so, can he teach me how to do it because Heidi’s said every time I kiss his ass my dick shrinks another centimeter, and I am running out of centimeters!”
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This fur, Burr has shown no willingness to back down. Now, word has been confirmed by several highly placed sources and one Eric within the Trump organization that when Donald Trump Jr. does indeed testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee, he will invoke both his Fifth Amendment privilege and his 5th IQ-Point privilege.
“People are probably pretty well aware of what the Fifth Amendment’s right to not self-incriminate means,” legal scholar Lionel Hutz told us via Skype. “But they may not be too keenly aware of the 5th-IQ Point Privilege. I gotta say, that’s a pretty bold move. Stupid, of course, but given who we’re talking about, pretty fitting.”
According to Hutz, tucked away in a small footnote of the Fifth Amendment is the right of people who are only 5 IQ points smarter than a spork to not have to testify if they don’t want to.
“Basically, the founders figured if you’re too stupid to prosecute, and the Mueller Report clearly tells us that they believed Don Jr. is indeed exactly too stupid to prosecute,” Huts says, “so who knows? As dumb as this is, he may actually succeed just on the merits of his own complete and total stupidity.”
Senate Dems may choose to give Trump Jr. an IQ test, aides say.
“Oh, not to see if he’s smart. God knows he’s dumb AF,” one staffer told us. “But we’re really, truly not sure if he’s only 3 IQ points smarter than a spork, 6, maybe as many as 8. And we don’t want to be sticklers for technicalities, but rules are rules, and the rule of law still applies to morons. Except, according to Bob Mueller and the DOJ guidelines, if you’re the president, apparently.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.