Friday, March 31, 2023

Donald Trump Reveals That He’s Really Andy Kaufman

President Donald Trump seen here moments after his unprecedented "reveal."
President Donald Trump seen here moments after his unprecedented “reveal.”

Washington D.C. — Donald Trump shocked not only his staff, but the entire world today when he revealed he was actually Andy Kaufman. According to a White House press pool photographer, who managed to snap the iconic moment, the President had just finished a heated argument with son-in-law and senior advisor Jared Kushner when Mr. Trump got very angry, moved to the front of his oval office desk, and ripped his face off.

“It was getting pretty intense between Jared and the President,” said Associated Press pool photographer Grace Hamilton who snapped the picture now seen all over the world. “Trump, I mean Kaufman was screaming at him about relocating the American Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. Kushner was trying to convince him that was a bad idea. And then Stephen [Miller] used some terrible slur against Jared and then the President flipped out and said something to the effect of ‘I’m done with this shit’ and removed his mask.”

Despite the widespread reports that Andy Kaufman died of lung cancer in 1984, rumors have flourished that he faked his death in a kind of ultimate performance art bit.  During his pre-Presidential career he disdained telling jokes and engaging in comedy as it was traditionally understood, referring to himself instead as a “song-and-dance man”. “I’m not trying to be funny,” he once said in a rare introspective interview. “I just want to play with their heads.”

According to Ms. Hamilton’s account, which has been corroborated by an anonymous White House staffer, seconds after the President revealed his true identity, the entire oval office fell into a silent shock, but Mr. Kaufman seemed relieved.

“The President didn’t say anything for a few seconds,” continued Ms. Hamilton. “He just kind of looked around like he was shocked like the rest of us. Then he tilted his head back and let out a roar of relief saying, ‘damn it feels good to let the truth out. I bet you didn’t expect this, did you.’

A few moments went by when staffers scrambled to figure out what to do. Eventually President Kaufman returned to his desk and shouted at Steve Bannon to draft a new executive order making women’s wrestling the official national sport, and yet another one declaring that the F. Scott Fitzgerald novel The Great Gatsby be read in its entirety once a day on the cable news channels CNN and the FoxNews Channel.

Reaction was mixed across the country with some expressing outrage, and some who seemed not surprised at all.

“Well, it all makes sense now,” said Los Angeles resident Jimmy McSnicket who voted for Hillary Clinton in the November election. “Look at all the crazy shit he’s said and done in the last couple of years. This is a prank only Andy Kaufman could have thought up just to mess with us. I have to admit, I’m kinda relieved.”

It’s unclear what the next steps are, considering this is the first President since Nixon to pull such a prank. Congress is holding an emergency joint-session over the weekend to decide how to move forward.

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue, and seldom loses. Mostly because he's well informed. And somewhat gassy
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