Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Dozens of Secret Service Members Volunteer to Be Next Ones Fired from Trump Administration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump’s administration saw quite a shakeup in the Department of Homeland Security.

DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was asked for, and tendered, her resignation, and within hours Secret Service Director Randolph “Tex” Alles was also fired. Reports have been rampant from within the administration for quite some time that Trump had soured on Nielsen and often blamed her personally for not doing enough to address illegal immigration. Mr. Alles’ termination comes after an embarrassing incident for the Secret Service. A Chinese woman with thumb drives and thousands of dollars in cash was arrested after having gained access illegally to the president’s Mar-A-Lago resort.

While many have speculated that this purge at DHS signals Trump is going to start giving even more control of immigration policy to his senior white nationalism adviser Stephen Miller, others have shown grave concern for a department lacking occupants of two of its most important leadership roles. However, that concern may potentially grow as news spreads of a letter sent by dozens of Secret Service agents to the White House, volunteering to be the next ones fired like Alles was.

“Dear Mr. President, if it means never grappling with taking a bullet for the worst qualified, most corrupt, least popular, and worst president of all time, we’d be fine with getting canned next,” the letter opens. “While all of us would stay committed to our jobs and take that bullet for you, the fact of the matter is that none of us would feel good about. It’d be like if we were guarding a steaming pile of diarrhea and racist Breitbart headlines, and someone took a shot at it, and instead of hitting that gaseous bag of toxic stupidity and self-enrichment, it hit us instead. While it’s our job to take a bullet for any president, no matter how stupid, amoral, and self-evidently unfit for office he is, without these jobs we’d be like 75% of the country and literally not care when or if you die.”

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The letter makes sure to reiterate several times that while they are employed by the Secret Service, the signing agents will not abdicate their responsibility to protect Trump. However, “the very moment” they are fired or are “otherwise not employed by the Secret Service” any longer, “all bets are off.” 

“All we’re saying is that all of us signed up to protect a president who is a forthright defender of all Americans’ right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We signed up to protect a president, who even though was not elected by all Americans, knows that no matter which party they belong to, they’re citizens he must serve,” the letter reads. “However, we ended up defending a president who is, in a nut shell, un-all that. So yeah, we’d all rather work at Wal*Mart as security. Or, barring that, if there is another, less repugnant sack of orange diarrhea and racism we could guard instead, that would be fine as well.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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