WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2020 presidential election is still over a year away, but repeatedly Americans have been warned that Russian operatives are already trying to subvert and influence it. During his much-anticipated congressional testimony, former FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller indicated that his investigation turned up strong evidence that the Kremlin never stopped interfering in American elections from the time it started during the 2016 election cycle, in an effort to secure the presidency for then-candidate Donald Trump. Efforts to tighten election security measures in Congress have stalled at the behest of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who has accused Democrats of playing partisan politics with their proposals.
“I find it pretty unfair to our Russian oligarch puppetmasters that my friends across the aisle want to just summarily silence their input on our elections, comrades,” McConnell said on the Senate floor last week, absolutely drenched in Vladimir Putin’s semen. “Frankly, efforts to smear my patriotism, just because my aloofness will help enable more Russian interference, is grade-A bull puckey, and I’m deeply, deeply offended.”
McConnell then quickly sucked back inside a larger nesting doll version of himself, which got inside a larger nesting doll version of himself, and so on, until the much larger, wooden nesting doll version of himself shuffled off the Senate floor.
This morning, President Trump was stopped on his way back into the White House from his morning hamburger, hot dog, coffee, adderall, and pussy grab run. He was asked by reporters if his administration backs any efforts to secure the election process. Farting loudly while he thought about it, Trump answered definitively.
“I’m good with it as long as Putin says it’s a good idea. I mean, you wouldn’t do something at your job at Wal-Mart without asking your supervisor, so same-same in this situation,” Trump explained. “But there have to be certain things that the Republicans must force the Democrats to agree to.”
Mr. Trump is insisting that Democrats agree to national voter ID laws, but he wants to take things one step further as well.
“What good is securing our election if we can’t be sure people will vote the way they’re supposed to? That’s why we need not only VERY STRONG and VERY COOL voter ID laws, we need a loyalty pledge,” President Trump announced. “I’m having Stephen Miller draft it, and he said it should be done as soon as he’s done eating the flesh of separated migrant children who have died because of his Draconian policies on the border, no big whoop.”
Trump isn’t sure exactly what Miller will put in the loyalty pledge, but he’s sure it’ll be “super duper good.”
“All people have to do is raise their right hand a 45-degree angle and say, ‘Hail Trump! Hail victory!’ and that’d be good enough for me,” Trump explained, “but I’d be just as good with, ‘Yay Trump!’ or ‘Trump has normal sized hands and genitals!’ Something to that effect at least.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, when hearing about the proposed loyalty pledge, cried profusely, and angrily swore to pretend to be very close to doing something about it.
“I promise you this,” Pelosi said, her voice wavering with emotion, “I will not just sit idly by and watch this president destroy our country. I’ll sit idly by but also pretend that I’m very close to taking action. Which, for a Democrat, is about as close to courage as you’ll find.”