Evangelicals for Trump Releases List of “10 Best Pussy Grabbin’ Moments From The Bible”

It’s no big secret that one key to the political success of Donald Trump has been his ability to count on the support of evangelical Christian conservatives come election time. Some might raise an eyebrow at a man who talks openly about wanting to date his own daughter, and who has had more wives than the number of times he’s gone to church on any given Sunday since taking office, being the choice of such devoutly religious Americans. However, it’s a phenomenon of American politics in the Trumpian age nevertheless. 

Evangelicals for Trump, a consortium of various groups on the religious right, cobbled together by the Trump 2020 reelection campaign, figures to play a big part in his efforts to once again win the White House at the end of this year. Their sole mission is keep the evangelical base Trump depends on fired-up and turn as many of them out to vote in November as possible. A group called “The Lincoln Project,” made up of hardline anti-Trump Republicans, released a scathing new ad this week, eviscerating evangelical leaders who they say are teaming up with one of the most non-Christian men to ever hold office, and in response, Evangelicals for Trump have released a new series of talking points for its media reps called, “The 10 Best Pussy Grabbin’ Moments From the Bible.”

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The list is published in a new mailing pamphlet being sent to Trump campaign contributors and it is meant draw parallels between the content of the Bible and the content of Trump’s speeches and policy initiatives, and further entrench in the evangelical community the idea that Trump is one of them. Ten examples are provided by Evangelicals for Trump, from both the Old and New Testament, including a passage from Trump’s favorite book, Two Corinthians. 

Below are excerpts from the text in the pamphlets, provided by Evangelicals for Trump. The group announced that any voter who wishes to get a copy of the full pamphlet for themselves can send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $130,000 in a check made out to “Trump’s Evangelical Hush Money for Sexy Dames He Bangs Fund.” 

#8 – The Time Jesus Gave a Sermon Hopped-Up on Olden Times Adderall

The Bible tells us of a great sermon delivered by Jesus that has come to be known as the “Sermon on the Mount.” But many Christians have apparently forgotten about the prequel to that story, in which Jesus was practicing for the Sermon on the Mount in a nearby town. His was quite anxious, knowing they were going to put the speech in the Bible, and he told his Disciples he needed something to get him “really keyed up” for the speech. So that’s when the Apostle Paul brought him some crushed up olden times Adderall, which Christ snorted in one inhalation, and proceeded to give a winding, two hour speech before a few hundred of his most rabid followers, where he famously coined the name “Crooked Pilot” and spoke of the need to Make Jerusalem Great Again.

#6 – Adam Says 15 of His 23 Daughters Are “Totally Bangable”

While Adam was definitely the first human ever created by God, and while that story is totally true fact, not many people remember that Adam and Eve had dozens of kids together. According to several biblical sources, Adam had more than twenty daughters and sons apiece! And just like your Orange God Emperor President, Adam understood that some of his female crotch fruit were just simply hotter than others. That’s why in Exodus 69:420 he declares to Eve, “Girl, if I weren’t their daddy, I’d bang 15 of our daughters. HARD.” So you see, it’s not weird or unnatural to want to fuck your own daughter; it’s Holy. Divine. Encouraged, really…at least in our Bibles.

#2 – Jesus Says He Was a “Total Cuck” For Suggesting People Treat Immigrants With Respect and Compassion

Everyone knows that at one point in the Bible, Jesus tells humanity to treat the “stranger in your land” with human dignity and kindness. Many have interpreted this passage to be a lesson for Christians to not turn their backs on modern day refugees and immigrants. However, it appears that a lot of people have forgotten a passage that comes a few pages later. In it, Jesus goes back on what he says and calls himself a “total cuck” for suggesting such nonsense. “Yea, though what I said before was consistent with my core beliefs to be kind to one another, no matter how rich or poor one is, I was being a total cuck before,” Jesus said, “and therefore don’t listen to me. Take care of your own race and nationality first, fam.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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