You know, everybody tried to warn me that once I was out of office, things might feel really different. They tried to tell me that I may get depressed when I realize I’m missing the presidential schedule and itinerary. They told me that once my presidential routine was gone, I might have difficulty adjusting to life. I never thought those people were right, because they were saying things that didn’t start in my brain, and having thoughts I would not have had, nor given them permission to have, were I not forced to lose to Joe Biden just because he got more Electoral College votes than me and Sidney Powell – my rat-faced lawyer friend – wasn’t able to convince a single court to just hand the presidency back to me.
And now, I come to find out…I WAS RIGHT! Not that I’m surprised, of course. I am a genius. I am the One, and the Minus Twelve, as it were.
It turns out, Diary, life after the White House is pretty much the same for me! I had my hot-as-fuck daughter Ivanka run the numbers for me, and I am working exactly as much on the country’s problems now as I did for the last four years! I am caring about the average American the exact same amount! I am doing just as much for America in the last two months as I did for four glorious, MAGA-fied years, Diary!
I have been golfing a lot. But even that is exactly as it was when I was the GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME! I just don’t see how life has taken this really big turn for the more worser for me!
I still have Secret Service protection. I still spend just as much time watching TV! The only real difference is I don’t have my beautiful Twitter account with all my lovely bots – er I mean, followers – to inflate my ego! But that’s okay. Any time I feel down, I call up Ted Cruz, call Heidi an ugly cooz, and laugh as he agrees with me! So you tell me what’s so bad about that, huh?!
Okay, gotta go now. Talk to you soon, Diary!
IVANKA, HOW THE FUCK DO I TURN OFF THIS VOICE TO TEXT SHIT, IVANKA! WAKE UP AND TELL ME IVANKA!
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.