Thursday, June 8, 2023

48 States File Federal Suit Claiming Facebook Should Be Broken Up Into Smaller Havens for White Nationalism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Forty-eight of the fifty states in the union just filed a new class action lawsuit against Facebook, stating that the social media giant should be broken up “as quickly as possible” so that the site can be “converted into several smaller havens of white nationalist terrorism.”

“Facebook, insofar as we can tell, is a data mining operation built by Mark Zuckerberg to also be a fun, loosey goosey place to spread racist jokes and plan to kidnap, rape, and kill governors,” the joint lawsuit states. “All forty-eight of the undersigned Attorneys General believe that while America’s free market capitalist society should encourage healthy and rigorous debate, if not find niche areas of hate to foment, we believe that Facebook itself has quite frankly gotten too large, and has engaged in a pattern of anticapitalist behavior, meant to crush their competitors.”

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The suit mentions that the KKK has been in development of their own social media platform for four years, but that Facebook has repeatedly taken actions that directly threaten the site’s existence, including several attempts at a hostile takeover of Stormfront, the racist newsletter put out by the klan.

“Obviously Facebook has a reason to see the klan as a competitor. Over the last ten years, Facebook has siphoned away thousands of racist Americans from the KKK,” the suit alleges, “and onto their app. You can’t throw a rock in Facebook land without hitting sixteen groups dedicated to proving Barack Obama was born in Kenya, that Michelle Obama is a man, and that people of color are innately inferior.  Clearly Facebook doesn’t close these groups down, even though they violate Facebook’s policies, because they want to keep pulling subscribers away from the klan.”

Aside from its “pattern of practices aimed at destroying competitors,” the suit alleges, Facebook is also too large for “obvious as fuck reasons.”

“Of course, as bad as it is that Facebook has been undertaking its pattern of practices aimed at destroying competitors,” the suit states, “but for obvious as fuck reasons, it’s also just not good to have a giant viper’s nest of the worst kind of humans all together in one place. It makes them and that place too powerful. We need to break up Facebook into smaller, more manageable hate-filled communities.”

Facebook has not responded to the latest suit.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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