BROWN CLOUD, CALIFORNIA — He says that there is “absolutely no chance” of it breaking them up, but that doesn’t mean 37 year old Tad Toddley is thrilled that his girlfriend, 34 year old Kelly Olsen, has been “farting up a storm” ever since the couple started to quarantine themselves at home during the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak.
“Don’t get this twisted — my love for Kelly is endless. I would carry her handbag to the moon and back, if I could, and she wanted me to,” Tad assured us, “I just can’t believe how much she’s farted since this all started. I guess I’m just blown away by how much she farts, and yeah, it kinda stinks.”
Kelly does not deny that she’s experienced an increase in rectal exhaust venting since the coronavirus lockdown started in her community. She says she anticipated that something like this could happen if she and Tad were forced to alter their diets because some groceries they usually buy weren’t in stock at their local grocer. However, when Tad came home with a crate of macaroni and cheese, she knew “things were going to be explosively expulsive.”
“I’ve always had an allergy to pasta,” Kelly said. “I’m not sure when it started, I just know that some of earliest memories are farting like there’s no tomorrow at the family dinner table whenever my mom would make spaghetti, ravioli, rigatoni, or any other kind of pasta I can’t think of right now.”
To be clear, Tad says, he is not blaming Kelly for her flatulent ways. He understands and believes her when she says she has no control over their volume or frequency anymore. Love, Tad says, not only is blind, but also has a “pretty terrible sense of smell.”
“The other night she farted in my face while I was going down on her,” Tad said with love in his words, “and I just thought it was a queef, my friend. That’s really what I thought she’d just dropped upon my chin. When she told me it wasn’t a queef, I mean, I stared in disbelief. Sure, it tasted a bit like beef, but it wasn’t a queef? Wow. That’s how little her farts really matter to me. I just thought someone should get her story out, because she has to be setting some kind of world fart records, I think.”
So we reached out to the St. Pauli’s Girl Book of World Records and they told us that according to their records, Kelly could claim the title. However, they say, they’ll need to have her set up a Zoom video conference with them in order to verify the fart facts. Kelly and Tad say they’re in.
“What the fuck else are we gonna do during the quarantine? Go out with shotguns and protest like little bitches because we’re bored and want haircuts,” asked Tad. “Get outta here with that bullshit. Sure. Nah, we’re goin’ for the fart record, ya’ll!”
Kelly will make her world record attempt to fart the most farts in a 24-hour period sometime this weekend. She will be doing so thanks a corporate sponsorship of her effort. Taco Bell will provide her with every calorie she takes in right up to the point that Kelly begins her unprecedented world record attempt.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.