WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite clashing earlier during a congressional hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci has reportedly given a referral to Rep. Jim Jordan (Q-Gym Showers) so he can see a proctologist and “have his head fully and completely removed.”
“I noticed during the hearing that Congressman Jordan was speaking in such a way that made me believe he suffers from a rare but intellectually fatal disease,” Fauci explained later on CNN, “called ‘headupassitis.’ Basically, it happens when someone jams their skull so far up their backside that it cannot be extricated without medical intervention.”
Yesterday, Fauci and Jordan got it when Jordan demanded to know when Fauci would start telling Americans things are getting better and they can live their lives normally again. Fauci persisted in attempting to explain to the Ohio Republican how science works. At one point Jordan had interrupted and spoken over Fauci so much that another congresswoman, Maxine Waters of California, told Jordan to “shut [his] mouth.”
“I’m sure that the congressman wants to have his headupassitis checked out, no matter how much it seems like he enjoys expressing thoughts that clearly come from inside his colon,” Fauci said. “So when I found out his insurance requires a referral for a specialist, I made a few calls and put him in touch with the woman who I think is the country’s best asshole doctor, which is the official, technical term for her branch of medicine — asshole doctorization.”
The treatment for headupassitis is “difficult but worth it,” Fauci said. Essentially, a doctor will need to slide instruments up Jordan’s rectal cavity so that they can be used to grip his head. Then, in a fifteen-hour surgical procedure, Jordan’s head will be slowly pulled out from his colon, inch by inch, turning it as necessary to ensure that he remains as safe as possible.
“The good news is that if successful, Congressman Jordan will see results right away, and we all will too,” Fauci insisted. “All of a sudden, he’ll stop pretending like he doesn’t understand how basic things work. He’ll stop making every conversation about Benghazi or Carter Page or whatever stupid bullshit he won’t shut up about. Hell, he might even start talking about the need to have sexual predators in the Ohio State wrestling program investigated and held accountable. Only time will tell.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.