Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Fauci Suggests a Lobotomy Might Cure Rand Paul’s ‘Bullshit-itis’

“And let me be crystal clear — I only say ‘might’ because we have to first confirm he has anything to lobotomize.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) clearly has it out for Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Some speculate that Sen. Paul, a self-certified eye doctor, is extremely jealous of the knowledge and expertise that Fauci has, and can’t help but belittle the country’s foremost epidemiologist. Others have said that Sen. Paul is simply continuing his campaign on behalf of the Kremlin to attack Americans with misinformation. Still others have wondered if Sen. Paul has a deep crush on Fauci and just wants to get in pants.

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Regardless of his motivations, today Paul once more attacked Fauci. This time, the junior senator from Kentucky seemed to intimate that somehow Fauci is personally responsible for COVID-19. It’s not the first time that Paul has introduced baseless allegations and misinformation in an attempt to attack Fauci’s credibility.

After the hearing, Dr. Fauci was asked about the contentious relationship he shares with Paul. Fauci tried to be diplomatic, but also said the Republican lawmaker is “displaying alarming symptoms” of a rare but serious disease. While Fauci said he can’t ethically diagnose Sen. Paul without more information and a real examination, it’s evident that he should be tested for “Bullshit-itis.”

“The only reason I can think of for why someone who claims to be a steward of the public interest, much less an actual doctor would spew the kinds of stuff he does, is if they do suffer from bullshit-itis,” Fauci said, “but admittedly I can’t give him a full, proper diagnosis unless I do more lab work on him. However, just from the symptoms he’s presented, I’d say he’s a fairly good candidate for a lobotomy — which is the only known cure for bullshit-itis.”

Fauci said that because bullshit-itis is so pernicious and it infects so much of its host’s brain functions, the only way doctors have found to cure it is to remove the parts of the brain it’s infected. Fauci, though, did say that Sen. Paul might face additional challenges in getting treated, if he does in fact have bullshit-itis.

“And let me be crystal clear — I only say ‘might’ because we have to first confirm he has anything to lobotomize,” Fauci admitted. “Still, I think it’s in Rand Paul’s best interests to get diagnosed, and if needs be, have whatever is left of his brain removed if it’s infected.”

Sen. Paul’s office did not provide comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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