WASHINGTON, D.C. — The reelection campaign headquarters for President Donald Trump announced that they would be paying to install special landmarks in the states that the president won in 2016. The landmarks are designed to help guide the billionaire’s supporters find their polling places on Election Day next November.
“Not everyone has one of those Jeeps, you know” the president shouted at reporters as he prepared to board Marine One for a quick trip to the driving range with a stop off at a Thai massage parlor on the way to and from, “you know, the Jeeps? The thing you use to MapQuest yourself from one location to another?”
President Trump explained that his campaign committee determined sometime last week that they could not reasonably presume that everyone who voted for him in 2016 had access to GPS technology. It was as decided that in order to help his base find their way to the designated polling station within their voting precincts, wooden, lowercase T’s would be purchased. In the early morning hours of Election Day, each T would be doused in gasoline and set one fire.
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“The warm embers of the burning crosses will help the president’s brilliant base find their way to the voting booths,” Senior White House Racist Stephen Miller told reporters as he was picking his teeth with the bones of Native Americans who died during the Andrew Jackson administration. “But, it will also remind them who they are legally required by law to vote for. It’s important to note that, and I want all you lying fake news libtard jerks to write it down, so I can inspect your notes later, please — they are required BY LAW to vote for President Trump’s election.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) told reporters she was “nearly outraged into action” upon hearing of Miller’s comments.
“No one is required by law to do anything,” Pelosi said. “As soon as the polls tell me I can do something about this lawless criminal who is ignoring our Constitution’s limits on his powers and flaunting his disrespect for our co-equal status, I will probably, maybe, very likely, draft a letter proposing that I strongly consider what course of action to deliberately study and debate for the next five years before eventually caving and not doing.”
President Trump explained to reporters that because there will be “big, enormous, and massive crowds” that will be voting for him, they need to head to the polls in the pre-dawn hours.
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“We expect there to be yooge, massive turnout,” Trump, his feet up on the Resolute Desk, told reporters, “and that means people are going to be piling into their pickup trucks and heading out the polls when it’s still dark.”
Trump said his campaign came up with a way to “help guide everyone to the polls and keep them fired up, literally,” to vote for him.
“These massive, yooge flaming T’s will help guide Alabama Republicans to the polls and to victory,” Trump told reporters, “and since they’re T’s, they won’t have any problem remembering who to vote for when they get there either. It’s pretty much your garden variety perfect idea from me, you know, no biggie.”
Trump admitted though, that his supporters “might not be literate” but hopes the flaming T’s are still “somehow recognizable” to them.
“They may not know their ABC’s,” Trump said, “but something tells me they’ll recognize my flaming T’s.”
Trump told reporters he had initially looked into whether Mexico or China would pay for the flaming T’s, because as he said he wants to “make them friggin’ pay for every friggin’ thing” and that he knew “damn well” he could do it but instead decided to “flaunt some big bucks.”
“It’s going to be very early in the morning when people are lining up,” Trump said, “so we figured having the T’s be set on fire will help anyone who wants to stop and warm themselves up a bit before they make it to their polling center. We’ll also be handing out bags of marshmallows because they look like our supporters, fluffy, white and full of empty air.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”