Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Florida’s Child COVID Positivity Higher Than Its Adult Literacy

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Children in the America’s Dong State are more likely contract COVID-19 than adults in Florida have a chance at being literate. That’s according to new data from the Centers for MAGA Disease Control.

“Numbers like these, unsurprising as they may be, are quite alarming and need to be addressed,” CMAGADC Chief Medical Officer Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters today. “The the child COVID infection rate, mind. Not the adult illiteracy. Clearly that’s not going to change any time soon.”

CRUZ: “WHY IS JOE BIDEN SO AFRAID TO CALL MY WIFE UGLY?”

America’s incest and alligator porn capital has been experiencing a massive spike in its COVID numbers, driven in large part by the delta variant of the virus. However, experts say that Gov. Ron DeSantis’ decision to threaten schools and districts who enforce mask mandates will only exacerbate it. Recent data shows that one in five children in Florida have contracted the novel coronavirus.

“I’m not even sure one in ten Floridians can read,” Hornaydieux sighed. “In Mar-A-Lago, I’d say that number is more like one in six hundred. Needless to say, you’d have a hard time finding an adult who can read before you’d find a kid with COVID in Florida.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis, speaking to reporters this morning, lashed out at Dr. Hornaydieux and threatened to have him arrested if he “sets foot in my state.”

“It’s every governor’s right to send kids to the hospital to keep schools open so poor people can work shitty, menial jobs for the benefit of people with more money,” DeSantis shouted at the press, “and you jerkfaces want to question my actions? Well, you all can expect a nasty letter from my legal team, as soon as I find a Florida lawyer who can read!”

CDC: MAYBE YOUR TEN YEAR OLD NEEDS TO GET COVID AND STOP BEING A PUSSY

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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